Meme Generator - The Best Meme Maker Online

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General No'Drak stared at the holotank that showed the disposition of all of his forces on planet. Precursors were recalling their machines, performing a fighting retreat, trying to get off planet with as many resources as they could while exposing themselves to as little fire as possible. In three places as soon as Third Armor started moving in on them the Precursors abandoned their resources and ancillary machines and just lifted off, running hard for orbit.
General No'Drak changed the orders to let Space Force handle any vessel that lifted off, sparing the planet from debris falls that were registering in the megatons in some places.
A meme popped up on the holotank window showing Third Armor morale and he shook his head. It was an old one, but put together by one of the logistics personnel that were finally coming off shift after refitting and reloading Great Herd armored units.
It showed a burning Balor with another Precursor staring at it thinking "On one hand, it represented fifteen years of resource gathering, on the other hand, I'm pretty sure there was a human dancing on the hull."
A spin on the spider in the cockpit or house meme, the big Treana'ad thought to himself.
His conscious gaze went to the icon for the burrowing mining machine, now four miles down and making a beeline for the junction of the mountain ranges in the middle of the supercontinent.
If, somehow, you blow that mountain up, my determined little Telkan officer, you'll start a chain reaction that eventually separate the continental plates into different continents rather than the super continent that has been there for billions of years, he thought to himself. However, having witnessed what your people are capable of, how determined your people can be, I'm sure the planet will break before First Telkan.
He lit a cigarette, watching the busy command center, only Ge'ermo'o keeping him company as the Terran Confederate military fought through the night.
To what are you heading toward with my men, you metal monster? No'Drak wondered silently. What horrors are they being subjected to?
The icon didn't answer, just kept moving at a steady 100 miles per hour on its five thousand mile journey.
"...so the kid, right, he gets top grades all the way through 3rd grade. We're talking top marks across the board, blows away testing scores, everything," Casey said, sitting on the edge of a scaffolding and chewing a piece of stimgum. "The end of the school year comes and the Dad says: 'son of mine, first of my line, what shall I bequeath upon thee for such outstanding marks in regards to your schooling?'" Casey idly pulled a small device out of the creation engine attached to his heavy gun and attached it to his frame as he kept talking.
Sergeant Addox looked up and shook his head, then went back to watching the device Casey had pulled off his loading frame. Vuxten made sure his Marines were comfortable, making sure that the platoon was relaxing, not letting the stress of their trip dull their edge. Half of them were sleeping, some were playing cards, and about a dozen of the greenies were playing a complex turn based multiplayer 4X game that looked like it had been going on for at least years.
"The kid looks at his dad and says: 'I wish for thee to gift unto me a pink golfball, patron of my familial line. One, not more, not less, of the shade of pink. I wish for this simple thing, mine pater, for I do not desire to view the House Mouse Planet, nor do I wish to gaze upon vast worlds you offer me through virtual reality. Nay, father mine, gift unto me just a simple pink golfball," Casey said, waving his hands around, the loading frame whining as he did so. "The father, knowing his son has indomitable will, concedes to his beloved offspring's demands and gifts the lad with a single pink golfball."
"Did the kid's language change?" Second Lieutenant Plunex asked, frowning. "My Confederate Standard is not the best, but I feel his language changed."
"Shh, you'll mess up the joke," Casey said, grinning.
"Your communication thingy is blinking, Casey," Addox said.
"Boojums never fail ya," Casey said. He moved up and knelt down next to it. "It's slow, but reliable."
"Why don't we use it for our standard communication?" Plenux asked. "I've heard there's problems with some of the quantum devices out in the Hesstla Theater."
"Because it's spooky particles," Casey said. "Boojums can suddenly decide they don't want to work, or might decide they're going to pretend to be a different particle, or ignore the flux of the other boojums they're mated to. They're the strange matter of normal particles and like a purrboi or a Treana'ad clan matron do what they want."
"How do you know this, Sergeant?" Plunex asked. "I thought you were Ordnance."
Casey looked up, grinning behind his clear face mask. The eye patch made it look decidedly villainous, Vuxten thought. "Wasn't born old, kid."
"Seriously?" Addox said. "Tell the kid."
Casey laughed. "All right. Boojums are the only thing that can reliably send communications out of a Nivenring or Doom Tube," he said. "Damn, long message. Not a template, though. Looks like text."
"Doom tube?" Vuxten asked, sitting down on a blank console. He'd queried his datalink, but all he had gotten back was an human in gray metal armor with a green cape standing next to water park slide staring at a small child saying "You find yourself in the Doom Tube, child."
It didn't make sense to him.
Addox looked up. "Imagine a tube, walls a hundred miles thick, five thousand miles wide, two hundred thousand miles long. Imagine it's full of mountains, lakes, rivers, the like. The atmosphere is prevented from spilling out by walls a thousand miles high. A fusion reactor travels down the length over a period of twelve hours before it exits the tube, moves to the outside, and travels the length back charging the solar panels."
Plunex gave a slow whistle. "What's the point of it?"
"Well, it's a non-planetary habitat. Usually they move at about point two C between stars on a careful path to avoid being captured by stellar systems," he said.
"Humans make them?" Plunex asked. "Why, aren't there enough planets."
Addox shrugged. "Nobody knows who makes them, kid."
The lights stopped blinking, only three green ones burning.
"Welp, better check my text messages," Casey said, squatting down. The frame hissed and thumped and Addox had to turn his head when a piston released steam.
"Really, dude, you're gonna do me in the face?" Addox said, mock coughing.
"I'm demanding on a first date," Casey said, touching the box with a finger. Vuxten saw the lights come on on Casey's datalink. Casey stood there for a moment, closed his one eye for a moment, then opened it.
"All right, my buddy in 108th MI let me know that this thing is heading for the junction of the mountain ranges," Casey said. He turned his palm over, projecting a map up with the holo-emitter in his palm that was Confederate Military standard. "We've got another fifty hours at current speeds to reach the junction range. Precursors are withdrawing, looks like we broke their morale."
"They're machines," Private First Class Shutruk said. "How can you break a machine's will?"
Casey gave a snort. "Pretty easy, actually. Their coding is obvious once you think about it."
"Bullshit," Shutruk said. Casey looked at him and he flushed. "Bullshit, Sergeant," he said in a much more even tone.
Casey chuckled. "OK, the Precursors are all: there's only enough ice cream for one, right?" He asked. Shutruk nodded. "So, it's all about resources, all about resource consumption and resource allocation. They view the universe as a zero sum game, like most races who never get too deep into spooky particles. So, if Trucker's out there gutting Precursors like Christmas turkeys
--turkey is delicious-- 471i said.
"then the Precursors have to decide if the amount of resources it takes to take a planet away from us is more or less than what they will reap once they own the planet," Casey said. "Since we're shredding the Precursors out there, ripping them apart probably faster than they can produce them, it mechanically and logically breaks their will."
Shutruk nodded and stayed silent except for a small embarrassed sounding 'oh'.
"Never be afraid to ask me a question, kid. All privates are stupid, a private is made up of being young, dumb, and full of cum, it's up to men like me and Addox to educate you, train you up right, so you don't fuck up and blow the Lieutenant here's leg off," Casey said, grinning. "He might find that a bit disconcerting."
Shutruk nodded.
"Oh, and you're more than five steps from your weapon. You're dead," Casey said, and closed his eye again. "You were my troop, you'd be beating your face."
Vuxten checked Shutruk's anxiety metrics, noticing that he'd relaxed despite the Terran NCO pointing out he'd walked too far away from his weapon.
After a few more minutes Casey straightened up, picking up the device and slapping it into an empty spot on the loading frame.
Vuxten had noted that the closer he looked at that loading frame, the further out of spec it seemed to be. He'd compared it to the other loading frames he'd seen around and noted it was a different model and its serial number indicated it had been run off by one of the big creation engines. Created piece by piece and assembled by hand. He had watched Casey attach over a dozen pieces of equipment he'd fabbed up from the nanoforge attached to the gun, never mentioning what the pieces did or what they were for.
"What's the plan?" Addox asked Vuxten.
Vuxten had known that question was going to get asked so he was ready.
"It's confirmed at least fifty hours till we get there. There will probably be maneuvering and wait list checking, then it'll dock with a facility," Vuxten said. "We use the nanoforge to keep our atmosphere tanks topped off, run up something besides Space Force standard nutripaste, let everyone get some sleep. Weapons check, ordnance check, officers and NCO's do WAG planning."
Addox nodded, his face shield transparent. "Sounds good, sir. I'll draw up a guard shift, assign quick reaction force, make sure that it's all smooth till we get there in two and a half days."
Vuxten pinged Plunex, telling him to pay attention as he spoke. "Make it happen, Sergeant."
"Hooah," Addox said, then moved away.
-------------
Vuxten watched as Casey came in through the airlock, followed by three Telkan Marines. He was off shift finally, having eaten nutripaste, taken a drink, and sat down. Plunex was taking over on shift and Vuxten felt tired even though he hadn't done anything for almost twelve hours but sit in the command center for the vehicle.
The three Telkan Marines moved over and sat down, keeping close together, as Casey moved up and sat down next to Vuxten. The Terran troop looked as fresh as ever in his loading frame. The black armor plates he'd put on over his adaptive camouflage were unmarred, his armored boots were shined, and he took off his face mask, exposing that he wasn't even sweaty.
"How is she?" Vuxten asked.
"Ready to come to our rescue if things go south of a hooker's backside," Casey said.
"You know, you don't talk like a religious person," Vuxten said. He held up his hand, even though Casey just snorted in amusement. "I've met a few of the guys from the Crusade, seen the Sisters in action, they talk a lot different than you."
"Fifth Reformation," Casey shrugged. He grinned. "I've been in the military for over nine hundred years, sir, joined the Planetary Guard at sixteen as a big dumb farm boy from the Black Range Plains. Transferred to Space Force and saw combat by the time I was seventeen," his grin got wider, and again Vuxten found himself wondering just how many teeth a Terran had in their mouth. "The war didn't end until I was almost forty," the grin somehow got wider. "The Elders, they had... well... they had changed my life path for me, in accordance to what they saw my destiny to be. Informed me that I was to stay in Space Force."
Vuxten frowned. "Why?"
Casey closed his eye and was silent for a moment. He opened it, sat down slowly, and waved his hand to encompass the sleeping Telkan Marines.
"They decided that this was where I belonged. Right here. Leading others," he said.
"I don't know much about Terrans, much less your people," Vuxten said. He reached out and laid his hand on the heavy gun he'd set down beside him. "The first time I saw your people, I was woken up after a shift of hosing out the interrogation cells. I'd been informed I was now Corporate Security and was going to have to fight the Precursors."
"Yeah, I get that, sir," Casey said. "Kind of how I ended up in Space Force," he made a buzzing sound. "Citizen Casey, you are now Space Force and fined fifteen credits for unauthorized wear of Planetary Guard uniform."
There was silence for a long moment.
--be careful-- 471 transmitted, taking a quick break from arranging his manufacturing queue in one of his city states. --touchy touchy--
"I once got fined a half day's pay because an Overseer got blood on his uniform leaving a cell that he had shot a Telkan female in the head only moments before," Vuxten said quietly. "I hadn't cleaned the cell yet, I was waiting outside. He fined me as he walked out."
"Oof, that's rough," Casey said. "Now the Marine Corps gave you a gun and told you not to let that happen to any other being."
Vuxten nodded.
"Why do you stay in?" Vuxten asked. "Nine hundred years? Aren't you tired?"
"You feel tired sometimes, sir?" Casey asked. He was running one finger up and down one of the barrels of his rotary minigun.
"Sometimes. Like now. I feel tired and wonder if I've gotten in over my head," Vuxten admitted. "Can't let any doubt show," he gave a wry chuckle and nodded at where Shutruk was sprawled out, his foot twitching as he dreamed. "Could you imagine how Privates like him would react if I showed doubt in the middle of everything?"
Casey gave another chuckle, this one with an ugly edge. "Nothing lets you know everything's gone sideways when the Lieutenant starts screaming about how we're all going to die."
"That happen?" Vuxten asked.
Casey nodded. "Sixth drop. My seventeenth birthday. Left the cake in the mess hall. Dropship took heavy bioplasma hits, one of the engines exploded and we starting spinning in. The Looey blew chunks into his helmet and started screaming we were all going to die."
"At least he was wrong," Vuxten said.
"He was SUDS'd, like everyone but me," Casey said. His voice got hard. "I was fighting from the wreckage of the dropship, using it as a fighting position, while him and everyone else were gettting SUDS'd out and decanted."
Vuxten shifted slightly, not sure if he preferred that long ass pink golf ball joke to what they were talking about now. "How long were you there?"
"Two months," Casey said. "Stripping rations from dead men till I got the dropship's nanoforge working," Casey gave a chuckle, reached up and touched his datalink.
Vuxten saw the incoming data request from Casey and allowed it. It was creation engine templates, all cracked and jailborked.
"What's this?" Vuxten asked.
"Telkan and battle buddy rations. Loaded it while we were on top of Gobbler here," he said. "Main nutripaste, standard Space Force troop transport flavor array, basic medicine kits including multivitamin, water additives. Basically everything you need to keep your men in fighting condition if you're sitting in the wreckage of a dropship with only a Class I Nanoforge you hotwired," he patted the nanoforge mounted on his gun's smartframe. "Have your greenie doublecheck it."
471 sighed and passed on his turn, eyeing 442's icon and wishing he'd been able to launch the amphibious attack to take 442's turkey farms away from him. He ran a quick check on the templates and saw that they were standard space force, just the serial numbers filed off and able to be run off of any creation engine. 471's antenna twitched when he saw that there were jailbork codes to break open any nanoforge and print out whatever was needed rather than what the nanoforge was designated as.
471 checked the nanoforge attached to his Telkan Marine's armor and saw that they'd load in just fine.
--checks out-- he said, then went back to nervously nibbling on the tip of his bladearm as one of 442's ocean units passed close to his hidden fleet during the other's turn.
"Think we'll need it?" Vuxten asked. He watched as Casey checked the status of some complex device the nanoforge on his weapon was slow-printing.
"I did," Casey shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe, maybe not. Hopefully you'll never need it and it'll just sit there in your implant's long term archive storage, compressed and cold, for your whole career."
"Proper preperation prevents piss poor performance," Vuxten quoted.
"Exactly, sir," Casey said. "If you don't need it, you're that paranoid officer who stresses over everything and tries to micromanage everything. If you do need it, you're lucky and probably stole the idea from a superior officer."
Vuxten smiled at that.
"Get some rest, sir," Casey said. He tapped one armored fingertip against the barrel of his minigun. "It's another forty hours till we get there."
-------------------
"...so then the kid, the kid, right, the kid gets like mondo great grades and junk, and like totally rocks all of like fourth grade, becoming, like, the top grade person and junk," Casey said, his voice slightly high pitched and he waved his hands around. "So, like, his like dad says: 'male child, you are allocated one desire unit' and junk. The kid, he goes like totally: 'I respond with gratitude of your acknowledgement, parental unit. I would like to requisition one pink golf ball for my desire unit.' and the dad like totally gets it for him and junk, totally like wondering what his kid could want a pink golf ball for because it's like totally weird and junk that his kid like totally wants like a pink golf ball and..."
One of the attachments on Casey's loading frame started beeping and he cut off, touching his datalink. Vuxten noticed, again, that it looked like Casey had added more armor to the loading frame. Now a lot of the pistons, gears, and chains were covered by armor.
"We changed direction," the Terran said.
Addox nodded.
"Are you sure, Sergeant?" Plunex asked.
Casey shrugged. "Unless the magnetic field of the planet decided to shift by thirty degrees over a five minute period, then we changed direction, sir. Who knows, sir, might have happened."
"At ease that shit, Casey," Addox said.
The same device beeped again and Casey tapped his datalink. "Huh, we're shifting back onto course. Wonder what we moved around?"
"Something stupid, I'm sure," Addox said, then leaned back and closed his eyes. "And shut up about that damn pink golf ball. I'm pretty sure the kid's just shoving them up his ass."
Vuxten barked out a laugh.
-------------------
"Sergeant Addox?" Vuxten asked over the private command channel, making sure that Plunex wasn't paying attention and was asleep.
"Go ahead, sir," Addox said, not bothering to make his face shield transparent.
"I think I figured out why Casey keeps going back to check on Glory," Vuxten said.
"Let's hear it, sir," Addox said.
"He got left behind a lot during his career. Kept getting dropped and left behind," Vuxten said. "He doesn't want Glory to be left behind."
"Notice what else he's doing, sir?" Addox asked.
"Mapping and reconing the machine," Vuxten said. "That way he's covered and everyone doesn't notice him checking on Glory because he's reconing around us."
"Know why he's checking on Glory?" Addox asked. Vuxten noted the intensity of the human's voice.
"Because Glory isn't a machine, she's a person. A digital sentience, not a machine without feelings."
"Exactly, sir," Addox said.
"That's why I keep giving him permission," Vuxten said. "I don't want her left alone in the dark in that ore gathering bay."
"Good man, sir," Addox said.
Vuxten sat quietly in the darkness of the Precursor machine's automated command center.
---------------
"The last of the Precursor machines are down, General," the voice said from the operations bay below. "Space Force is reporting all enemy destroyed. Ground side is just mopup of machines that didn't get away."
"Thank you, Major," General No'Drak said. He shifted his attention. "Status of the Great Gobbler?"
"It's moved under the edge of the junction of the mountain ranges, sir," the Major said. He tossed it up on the holotank. "The fighting has eased up enough we can get seismic on it now. It's slowed down as it's come closer to the surface and no longer moving in a straight line."
"Does 108th MI still have a line to Sergeant Casey?" General No'Drak asked.
"Specialist Grade Five Peak has reported for duty. Her commander said she's examining the messages right now. Apparently it's some kind of back channel system Casey keeps in operation," the Major said.
"Why?" Ge'ermo'o interrupted.
"Do you want the real reason or the excuse she gave to her commander?" the Major said.
"Both?" Ge'ermo'o suggested, wondering why she would lie.
"Officially, it's because Casey works Ordnance and needs to feed 108th MI ammunition consumption levels in his sector," the Major said. "That's the official reason."
Ge'ermo'o shook his jowls in slight confusion. "That sounds like a likely reason. Althought I do not understand why he would need a discrete channel and hardware devoted solely between the two of them. What is the real reason?"
"Tit pics," No'Drak guessed.
Ge'ermo'o queried his implant on the nature of a 'tit' and was flooded with lewd pictures of Terran female mammary glands as well as a bunch of pictures of small birds as well as a handful of explicitly drawn Rigellian females sporting impossible bare mammalian mammary glands.
"Well, I wasn't going to put it so crudely. I was going to call it 'inter-personal video, text, and image correspondence'," the Major said. "She's known Casey about sixty years, they've got some history."
"Why send pictures of mammary glands?" Ge'ermo'o asked, frowning. "That seems like a lot of effort, to create and conceal a private message device in order to just send images of mammary glands."
"It's a Terran thing," No'Drak said.
Ge'emo'o suddenly put it together as all the pieces suddenly matched together. "Oh! I suddenly understand!"
No'Drak raised an antenna, his specie's version of cocking an eyebrow. "Go on, Most High."
"They are involved in a sexual relationship and they send pictures of body parts to one another as a method of sexual enticement and amusement!" Ge'ermo'o felt proud of himself for putting it together."They cobbled together their communications device in secret so their commanders did not know they intended to carry out a long distance quasi-sexual relationship based on text, pictures, and videos in order to ensure sexual delight despite distance."
The Major, to his credit, didn't snicker.
No'Drak carefully took out a cigarette to avoid busting up with laughter.
"Right you are, Most High," No'Drak said.
"I am a most observant commander. It is why my men trust me so highly," Ge'ermo'o stated, folding all four arms. "If I were their commander, I would look the other way, as improved morale results in improved performance."
It took everything General No'Drak had not to spit out his cigarette in surprise.
"It's slowed to the point we can't detect it," someone called out.
"They've arrived," No'Drak mused.
-----------------
"Ready?" Vuxten asked.
Everyone signalled with their icons they were ready, standing at the single double door that was an approximation of an air lock that would lead out of the vehicle.
Casey triggered the door and it slid open, the tracks already lubricated.
Beyond was an endosteel hallway, big enough for a suited warrior caste Mantid to move around comfortably in, with runners up by the ceiling for green mantids to move down the hallway without getting underfoot.
The passageway ran for about a hundred meters and ended in another door.
"If anyone sees a hobbit with a ring in here, don't steal the ring," Casey said.
"At ease that shit, Casey," Addox said almost absently.
"Platoon, move out," Vuxten ordered.
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First Contact - Third Wave - Chapter 399

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Captain Stelgart held tightly to the 'oh shit bars' on the side of her command couch, the lights flickering on the bridge as her 'little' frigate took a small section of the nCv cannons fired by the Harvester that was breaking orbit from around the gas giant. Sure, it was only a 'fraction' of the guns in that salvo, but when the array firing that salvo was measured in the tens of miles rather than by the barrel, the concept of 'only a fraction' became largely moot.
"No damage! Cycling out projectors in section 9-G! Hull integrity is still nominal," her DCC officer called out.
It was worth it as the little frigate and its brigade mates came out of the maelstrom of hellfire, still tightly interlocked in formation, guns still hot.
"TARGET LOCK!" Guns called out.
Stelgart heard Rear Admiral (Lower Decks) call it out and gave her own input.
"OPEN FIRE!" she yelled.
The frigate shuddered as the fireplan was activated. The massive C+ cannons fired, rotated barrels, loaded a ground-car sized slug, and fired again, each of the six guns spitting out a C+ round every fifteen seconds. The inverted tachyon particle beams ripped out, transferring almost instantly across the hundreds of kilometers to impact almost before the C+ shells. The frigate flushed its missile pods, the pod itself turning into a C+ slug, and dumped more out. The creation engines ran overtime, producing a shell every second and a missile pod every five seconds, the heat rising rapidly.
The Harvester being targeted took hits from the entire brigade across the engines. The C+ shells hit inside the shields, detonating inside the engine spaces, which were not protected by the armobattlescreen/armor technolaminate like the hull.
Over a third of the engines went out or exploded. The rear battlescreen failed, lightning bolts the size of trains ripping across the hull of the Harvester, tearing huge canyons in the armor.
"Fireplan updating!" Guns called out. "Decoys out!"
Stelgart felt the ship slide to the side as it warped space around it, the 'little' frigate's mass sliding into the warped gravity well it was projecting to move rapidly. The entire brigade moved like a flock of birds, each one's engines supplementing the engines of the others, allowing them to move quickly and smoothly through space.
The Harvester's return shots whipped through space where the brigade had been, hitting nothing but echoes of the ships that were a hundred kilometers away. The decoys that survived spun up to full power and 'fired' off. Dozens, hundreds of ship profiles and energy signals scattered from the target area, completely obscuring the small flotilla of two dozen 'light attack' ships as they changed targets to the undamaged engines and maneuvered for a better shot.
"HELLCORE CHARGING!" Guns called out.
General No'Drak heard the call, preceded by "STATUS CHANGE" from the ground-side tactical analysis teams.
Ge'ermo'o turned around, his hooves thumping on the variable hardness flooring. He looked down at the large hologram of the planet. The thirty or so icons representing the more massive Precursor machines were starting to flash, alerting those who were reading the map that they had changed their activities and demanded attention.
"Precursor ships are engaging engines and starting to lift off," someone else called out.
Only the lemurs of Terra could break a machine's will to fight, Ge'ermo'o thought. Two hours ago that realization would have filled him with horror.
Now, it was just one more shock and horror piled upon everything he had witnessed.
White filled a holotank as Third Armor gutted another Precursor ship, turning the superstructure into fuel for the fusion hellfire the consumed it. The feed cleared and the recon drones and sats focused on how the battlesteel of the Precursor machine was burning like anthracite coal exposed to plasma.
You murdered and terrorized your way across the Rim Systems and now that someone can hit back you scurry away like insects. I hope the Terrans destroy every one of you butchers and that you feel every moment of it, Ge'ermo'o thought, completely unaware of the irony of a Lanaktallan thinking such things.
The floor rumbled slightly even though the blast was nearly a hundred miles away.
Die, Ge'ermo'o thought, his tendrils curling with anger. Don't say goodbye, just die, Precursor trash.
An aide touched General No'Drak's arm. The big insectoid shifted, pulling Ge'ermo'o's attention from the holotanks.
"Sir, 108th MI has a data pull request from Sergeant Casey," the aide said.
It took Ge'ermo'o a moment to remember who Sergeant Casey was, and his eyes went to the holotank that was tracking the subterranean progress of the massive Precursor mining machine.
"Tell me," No'Drak sighed, pulling out another cigarette. He was highly stressed. The weapons being used shredded atmospheric gases, blew holes in the planet's magnetic field, and shattered the ozone layer. The weapons were "Total War" option weapons.
You usually didn't use them on a planet you planned on having anyone live on before an Elven Court or Genesis Device could be used.
They'd been used on Unified Council military targets prior, the Mar-gite before that.
Now they were being used to show the Precursors that the Terrans still had the ability to hurt them.
"MI reports Casey filed a data pull request for an older creation engine template," the aide said, combing her whiskers with one slightly trembling hand. "It's a problem."
"What's the problem?" General No'Drak asked. Part of him wanted to snap at his aide, ask her why she was bringing a request from a Senior NCO to him instead of gong to his Company Commander.
A glance at the holotank showing the progress of the Precursor mining machine heading toward the mountains along a path miles below the surface reminded him that he wasn't dealing with some Private asking to use the latrine.
"The request was very specific, but not something in our decrypted and active template data archives," the aide said. "Current network and mainframe usage rates mean it could take a couple of hours for even one of the BOLO's to find the correct files in their archives since it's going be a low priority file."
"Anyone else who might have something like it?" General No'Drak asked.
"There is someone in-system we can ask, but..." the aide went silent for a long moment.
"Spit it out. Who?" No'Drak lit his cigarette as another Precursor machine was gutted, the city sized bulk falling a half mile into the ocean, still burning.
"The Crusade of Wrath likely has the template loaded in systems that they can datamine a lot faster," the aide said.
Ge'ermo'o opened his mouth to ask the question, but General No'Drak beat him to it.
"What is he asking for?" the big Treana'ad asked, putting away his pack.
The aide consulted her dataslate. "A set of Second Terran/Mantid War creation engine templates for, and I quote, 'M-428e9 High Frequency Phasic Scrambler' and 'High Frequency Phasic Disruption Munitions in the multi-spectrum range'. Both sets are real old, we're talking archive databanks old."
"How would he know of such things?" Ge'ermo'o asked.
"Aside from being like nine hundred years old? It's a pretty big piece of history for our people," General No'Drak mused. "He's probably seen it referenced in manuals and documentaries and history works."
"Sir, should I contact the Crusade of Wrath?" the aide asked.
Smokey No nodded. "Get me Joan Mentissa," he said, exhaling smoke around his feet.
Ge'ermo'o stared at the holotank as another Precursor made it to orbit, its hull burning, only to run face first into the ships of the Crusade of Wrath, which began pounding it with their guns even as it tried to get clear of the gravity well to safely make a helljump.
The holotank in front of him wavered then cleared, to show an archaically designed ship's bridge, all black metal with dark green, blue, and red markings. No hologram projectors there, only bulky looking flat screens. The crews at the stations ranged from female Terrans in heavy armor to rough looking, almost skeletal appearing full conversion cyborgs. The well lit bridge still seemed to give off the aura of being dimly lit, shadowed, and hidden due to some dark purpose.
"General," the Joan said, nodding. "How may the Dark Crusade of Light assist you?"
"We believe there may be justification to deploy ancient technology only you would be in possession of," General No'Drak said carefully. "Technology that we require the creation engine templates for."
"What type of technology?" the Terran woman asked, narrowing her eyes slightly. "The Crusade possesses many forgotten and forbidden technologies. Be wary with what you ask, General."
"High frequency phasic interrupter technology," No'Drak said. "We have reason to believe there is a statistically insignificant but still valid change of encountering Precursor War Era Mantid technology," No'Drak said.
She turned, her mouth blurring slightly as the audio cut out. After a moment she nodded and turned back to General No'Drak.
"We have such technology templates," the Joan stated. "We shall transmit Terran Imperium Era templates as well as Combined Military Authority templates to your people."
The lights on the deck of the ship flashed around the Joan and she turned away.
"I have a battle to fight, General, and the enemies of life to destroy. May you seek honor," she said.
The channel closed.
Ge'ermo'o swallowed around the lump in both his long and short throats.
"What is the technology do?"
Casey looked up at Vuxten, his armored breathing mask making him look strange to Vuxten's eyes.
"Sorry, what, sir?" he asked, turning his attention from the holographic wireframe projected by Addox's hand to Vuxten.
"What does the tech do? Even my greenie isn't sure," Vuxten said.
Casey tapped the hologram as if it was a physical thing. "It's old tech. There's civilian versions, but those are the size of small spaceships, designed to cover entire cities in an interlocking field, we need smaller ones, ones that can handle the punishment of combat."
"OK, but what does it do?" Vuxten asked.
"It's a high frequency phasic disruptor," Casey said. Before Vuxten could comment that he had heard that but it didn't explain what it did, Casey pointed at a small scaffolding walkway. "We've got overwhelming evidence that this is a Mantid machine, and I doubt it's from Premik-8. That means our greenies run the risk of being hit by ruling or warrior caste psychic attacks."
Vuxten nodded even as 471 flashed icons of disgust.
"These were designed just prior to the Second Mantid War," Casey said. He finished tapping icons and wrapped the object he was modifying in the hologram in a casing. "They won't do much more than make our little green buddies itch, maybe a light headache, but it completely disrupts psychic control signals from upper caste."
The nano-forge attached to Casey's heavy loading/work chassis began to hiss, the untold trillions of nanites contained inside building the template Casey had modified.
"These are Imperium make. I used the Combine circuitry, the Imperium disruptors, and wrapped it in warsteel, which can hold and disrupt psychic energies," Casey said. He grabbed the small cylinder as it exited the creation engine, waved it a second to cool it down, and moved over to Addox. "We attach one of these to each armor, we crank the detection up, and if there is any type of upper caste Mantids running around, they can't force our little buddies to do anything."
--i die free-- 840 transmitted. Icons from every other greenie flashed in agreement.
Vuxten watched as Casey used a fusion torch to attach two different types of cylinders to Addox's armor. One was round with a flat side, the other was a hexagon. Both had green lights down the side.
--ouchie-- 471 transmitted to Vuxten.
"You OK, buddy?" Vuxten asked on the private channel.
--tingly achey-- 471 replied. --taste like copper vapor--
"It's going to be thick when they cut in if our buddies get hit," Casey said, moving to Vuxten. "From here on out, our battle buddies need to stay in the shells, especially if we end up deploying the munitions."
Vuxten nodded, looking at the grenade on his harness that Casey had handed out. It had the Confederate logo of a hand crushing a planet on it, but it seemed older, somehow malevolent, just sitting there.
"Try not to shoot random robots you see. Most of them will be extremely task oriented," Addox said. "More than likely they won't even be able to process your existence beyond being some kind of obstacle to move around."
Everyone nodded as Vuxten felt a slight twinge in his head, a couple of inches behind between his eyes.
"Right now, they're set to stealth," Casey said, moving to the next person in line. "The Crusade was nice enough to give us the specs and they had a stealth mode in the templates they handed off, just needed a little tweaking to work with our systems."
Vuxten closed his eyes for a second as a mention of the Crusade made the taste of Gen-0 stimgum rise up in his mouth and the scar around his cyberear ached for a long moment.
He could remember the fear and rage of the Imperium/Crusade/Combine troops landing on Telkan in the middle of an all out assault by the Dwellerspawn creatures and plants upon a shelter that had undergone an emergency surfacing.
"Your vitals just spiked, Lieutenant, are you all right?" Addox asked.
Vuxten swallowed. "I'm all right. Just reminded me of something."
"Second Telkan War?" Addox asked.
"Yeah," Vuxten said.
"You were there when the Imperium troops made their landing, right?" Addox said.
--no shit-- 471 said privately.
"You could say that," Vuxten replied.
I AM ENTIRELY FORMED OF WRATH! echoed in his mind, along with the memory of a huge Terran wading into the Dwellerspawn.
Vuxten waited, consciously taking control of his breathing to keep it steady and reciting the mantras he had been taught. A couple of times his datalink tossed up memes, but they were all pretty bad, pretty basic ones, which told him he was either out of range of the main psyops system or it was overloaded.
One got through that made him laugh, even though it obviously wasn't meant for him, which made it even funnier.
A heavy tank with markings of Bravo Company, 6-28 Armored Battalion had obviously driven into a large ditch and broken its tracks, tried to back up, slid sideways and left its tracks bunched up before somehow having the cupola jump its track and having then gotten stuck on its side. A green mantid was in the foreground with a commo headset on saying "Have you tried turning it off and on?"
"What?" Private First Class Sultrek asked, making Vuxten aware he'd laughed over the platoon leader channel.
"Fighting must be easing up on the surface," Vuxten said. He passed around the meme and everyone laughed.
Vuxten saw Casey shake his head. "Not gonna work, they're gonna need to release the IP and acquire a new one."
--try running a network ping-- 884 offered.
--diagnostics on my board says your tank is fine please clear channel-- 737 informed the tank in the picture.
--must be a factory defect-- 013 decided.
Another meme popped in, obviously from 3rd Armor Divisions Morale section and Vuxten burst out laughing as Casey attached another set of disruptors.
This one was of a Precursor with "ONLY ENOUGH FOR ONE" written on its hull, staring with wide eyes at another Precursor that was completely engulfed in the white fire of an uncontrolled fusion reaction. The one with wide eyes slowly went transparent as it slid off the side of the picture. The caption read "When see your boy get roasted by another squad and realize you're next."
"It's an older meme, but it checks out," Casey chuckled.
"I've never seen it," Pvt Renklant said.
Addox shook his head. "That's a genuine Pre-Diasporia meme right there, boys."
The link cut out and Vuxten could see "No Connection" on the BATTACNET icon.
Addox filled the time while Casey attached the parts onto the armor telling a series of profane jokes that made the tip of Vuxten's ear heat up with embarrassment. It was over two dozen jokes that involved a greased up Rigellian body building midget and a pair of confused cat boys. Vuxten knew it was supposed to be jokes but they were so shocking he couldn't even laugh.
Ranklant snickered though.
"All right, done," Casey said, straightening up. His frame hissed as pressure relieved in the heavy pistons that provided strength enhancement.
"Everyone ready?" Vuxten asked, more to Casey than to anyone else.
Icons flashed ready as Casey nodded.
"Lead the way, Sergeant," Second Lieutenant Plunex said.
"All right, let's move out," Sergeant Addox ordered. "Casey, take the rear."
There was silence on the channels as the platoon moved through the larger maintenance tunnels, following the maps made by the recon drones. The drones had found what looked like engines as well as massive fusion plants that provided power but both of those possible targets had been set aside by the very obvious target.
In the heart of the machine was a huge egg shaped area that the doors were closed, the vents did not access, and there was no access outside of what appeared to be airlocks designed for Mantids.
Big Mantids.
It took nearly two hours to navigate the large area before they reached the heavy airlock door. When they got there Addox ordered it cut open but Casey shook his head.
"What?" Vuxten asked.
"Need a greenie to check this seal. It's got some pebbling, looks age related. Might give us an idea of the last time this door was used," Casey said.
--will do-- 471 said.
"My buddy says he'll do it," Vuxten said. He half expected someone to object because he was the ranking officer and was grateful when nobody said anything.
471 popped the armored housing, climbing out and jumping over to Casey's frame, hanging off of it for a second.
"Visual only, don't touch it," Casey said.
--not tell you how to be ape-- 471 shot back.
Casey just chuckled.
After a moment 471 moved back into the shell, sliding his bladearm into the computing node built in. He ran the tensile strength and other factors.
--356 years approx-- 471 let Vuxten know, feeling a glow of pleasure in figuring it out. His fellow Mantids stuck their tongues out at him via emoji for getting the be the one who did the work.
"It's been awhile," Addox mused. "Hopefully there isn't a surprise on the other side of the door," he looked at Lieutenant Plunex. "Orders, sir?"
"Open the door," Plunex said, managing to keep himself from looking to Lieutenant Vuxten for guidance.
"Casey, handle the door," Addox said.
"Roger that," Casey said. He worked for a few moments to get the control panel off, examining it. "No power. Probably controlled from inside," he mused. He pulled wire out of the creation engine, ran it from his frame to the door, and toggled the power.
The door slowly ground opened, moving more smoothly by the time it was halfway open.
"We're going to have to divide up to go through that airlock unless you want me to cut open the far door and risk this thing's systems going full breach alert," Casey said.
"We'll move through by three man groups," Addox said. He looked a Plunex. "First three, sir?"
Plunex felt the sweat break out under his fur. "Uh," he started.
Vuxten stepped forward. "Casey, me, and Private Renklant," he said.
Plunex felt relief even though the idea of putting a superior officer in danger bothered him slightly.
Casey handed the wires to Plunex and walked in, pulling the panel off the door and starting to work on jumping the power leads. Vuxten waited for Renklant to move through then moved through himself. When saw Renklant reach down to take his weapon off of safe Vuxten reached out and put his hand on the weapon.
"Not yet," Vuxten said over the point to point link. "Go in ready, but not hair trigger. Move to the right."
Renklant nodded, swallowing, as Casey stepped back, the wiring bypass ready.
"Close the outer door," Vuxten ordered. He closed his eyes as the massive door hissed shut, taking a deep breath and centering himself. When he opened it Casey stood by the door, staring at Vuxten, simply waiting.
"Open the door," Vuxten ordered. He felt loose but ready to move in any direction, not on edge but ready to react with his weapon at any second.
The door slid open and Casey stepped in, taking a step straight into the room beyond and Vuxten knew it was to clear the firing arc for the big minigun the human was packing. Vuxten went left, rifle in his hands, thumb on the fire selector.
The entire sphere was open. Work stations covering the walls and a massive computer core suspended in the middle of the room with what looked like some kind of horseshoe shaped command console wrapped around it. Heavy cabling was festooned everywhere, over consoles, across chairs, in mid-air as it moved from point to point.
"Negative movement," Casey ground out. Vuxten noted how the human's voice had suddenly changed. "Not much power in here with the exception of our big friend in the center," he turned and Vuxten could see the cold amber glow in Casey's eyes was fading. "I'm pretty sure we bring everyone through."
Vuxten radioed back and waited as the lock cycled to bring the rest of the platoon through in threes, with Addox coming in last. During the time spent bringing everyone in Casey moved around slowly, walking on the catwalks, careful to never brush any of the wiring. A couple times Vuxten saw him duck or step carefully over nothing and changed his visor.
Laser commo in the high IR range.
Using that data Vuxten started tagging up places for everyone to sit down in such a way that they'd be covered by at least three other members close by. Each time one of the Telkan Marines came through the airlock he guided them over to sit down.
"Sir," Casey's voice broke in. Vuxten looked up and saw that Casey was standing on the middle platform, one hand holding one of the heavy cables that held the platform up.
"Yes, Sergeant?" Vuxten asked, noting that Casey had linked in Addox and Plunex to the conversation.
"I've seen tech like this. It's old Mantid tech for sure, but I'm pretty sure this is what's affectionately referred to as 'after market modifications' by the mechanics," he said. "Computer's Mantid make, systems are Mantid make, machine's Mantid make," he swung slightly and faced Vuxten. "Circumstantial evidence suggests that this thing might possibly have a chance of being built by Mantid."
"You don't say," Addox drawled. "Smartass."
"How's Glory?" Casey suddenly asked.
"Fine. She said for you to quit screwing around and hurry up," Lieutenant Plunex said. "I left a squad with her, she'll be fine."
"Oh," Casey said. He swung a couple of times back and forth and launched himself through the air, landing on the catwalk with a clang.
The pose, the way he seemed to hang there, reminded Vuxten of the Imperium of Rage Marines.
"We have commo outside?" Plunex asked.
"I've got slow commo, text and data only. Having to go full error correction on it," Casey said.
"File a sit-rep, let Command know we're still alive," Plunex said. He looked around. "Where do you think it's going?"
"Somewhere terrible, I'm sure," Vuxten said softly.
The last time I was underground, it didn't work out too well for anyone involved, he thought to himself, staring at the computer arrays on the central platform.
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HolUp. Here's the list of the winners of the Best (and worst) of r/HolUp 2020

rant on r/geometrydash

special thanks to Deuce Jeuce for making the flair, otherwise i wouldn't have had the idea.
so, it's no secret the main sub is stupid. but just how stupid is it? join me as we take a look into my tormented and empty soul to find out just how retarded the geometrydash sub really is.
let's start with the fucking endless posts about the game's most common bugs. it's mind breaking how much i have to remove that shit every day. every fucking time someone sees that for the first time their first instinct, instead of trying to solve it themselves, is to slice their dick off and come to the sub with it. have they not seen the endless other posts about that shit?? i don't moderate 24/7/12, there's no way they haven't had a chance to see it before.
on a related note, we can move on to the godforsaken "game won't save ooga booga help" posts. istg these people are on reddit for the first fucking time ever and have no brains of their own. they don't even thiNk of checking if this has been asked before, no, instead there's 4 of these fucking posts every single day, every time it's some child who's never been on the sub before. sure, sometimes it's some other issue, but that legitimately happens 1% of the time!! every single other fucking time i have to give the same fucking response of "delete saved and created levels". i can feel my nonexistent will to live wither away further each time i drop that comment.
but you thought that was bad enough? oh god if only that was the case. let's move forth.
the thing that makes me want to slice my wrists the most is the dumb fucks who milk attention saying they're mobile, the dumb fucks who enable it, the people who post progress on free levels, and the endless subpar creators on the sub who have no self awareness.
let's start with the completely retarded mobile glorification. yeah, i get it, you play on mobile. well guess fucking what, so does half the community. yea cool, you beat an easy demon, gg my man, but i couldn't give a single shit about how you beat it on mobile. beating easy shit on mobile and shoving it under everyone's noses doesn't make you better or more special. no, it makes you the most obnoxious little fuck ever. and the braindead people who defend that shit are even worse.
do people on the sub completely lack a sense of standards for playing skill? i'm so fucking sick of people acting and encouraging people who say "guys i beat slap squad as my 261th demon (on mobile)" and say how epic that is. no, it isn't epic, it's completely average, especially for a mobile player. and the fucking posts of easy demon get 600 upvotes, but then someone beats an extreme and that barely cracks 50 upvotes. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?????
but it gets worse, because for whatever incomprehensible reason people think that it's actually fucking worth it to post progress on easy and medium demons. yea, beating them is cool, and i'm glad to see people improve, but for fuck's sake i couldn't give less of a fuck about you getting 38% on Extinction by haoN, literally everyone can do that, and i also can't be bothered to care about you getting a 26-59 run on a random medium demon. and people actually fucking enable this. i've only seen like 3 people actually agree with me on this, and i always get downvoted to oblivion when i speak my mind on this matter.
now, let's proceed to talk about the creating side of the sub. and, you guessed it, it makes me want to bite my tongue off. i'll admit, i'm not very knowledgeable about creating, but that doesn't mean it can't damage my will to live.
first, let's look at the godawful collab posts. every day there's like 5 posts of someone completely random saying "i'm hosting a top15 collab need decorators". literally never do i see someone saying they can deco themselves, and aren't just a subpar layout creator. it's always the same shit. and they also have no fucking idea what they're doing, they just want to collab for the sake of a collab. now, there's nothing wrong with a little collab between a few friends, but if you dive head in with no experience trying to make a top1 out of people on reddit hysteric laughter, then you're legitimately retarded.
a smaller but equally annoying thing is the endless layout previews. i'm sorry, but quite literally no one cares about this layout that you just previewed and will probably never finish anyway.
then we have the people to ask for feedback on their deco and gameplay. now, sometimes they truly post cool stuff with potential. but when it isn't, then dear god is it awful. when will people realize you can't fucking judge a block with 2 solid colors and a top -45 layout that's obviously unplaytested and presented with a shit ignore damage run. and the people who ask "is my gameplay good" and give a zoomed out still image are an entirely different species of retard. the worst part of this is that every other week some of this garbage somehow makes it on the top of hot.
now, let's proceed with the stuff that can't really be clumped together into separate topics, so let's throw it all in the same pot for convenience.
the endless amount of people who don't read the rules and have no idea what they are is fucking mind numbing and makes me regret ever joining that sub. all the dumb fucks who just post a completion image as their first ever post on the sub without even fucking glancing at the rules is just.... and some of these motherfuckers have the audacity to insult me and start whining after i tell them their post was removed and why. some get overly apologetic, which is also really fucking annoying. look, i'm not gonna kill your parents and minecraft girlfriend because you broke a rule on a fucking cube game subreddit, just learn from it and move on.
the amount people who keep making these useless polls about favorite gamemode, favorite gameplay, favorite dildo, favorite fetish, favorite whatever, is just incredible. if they've been in the community for a day, and they have been or they wouldn't have found that sub, they should already fucking know that everyone loves wave to the point where they'd shove it in their urethra, and how everyone is a turbo virgin who jacks off to incest hentai. you achieve and learn nothing with these polls, so why the fuck are you making them???
i'm so fucking annoyed by this breed of basement goblins who think their opinions are worth more than your entire family line's total expenses combined, and these fucks are everywhere. they have both too supportive and just plain uneducated retardation spewing from their anuses. every time someone posts something that would've been rate-worthy in early 2.0, these motherfuckers swoop in and say it's feature worthy with no actual feedback, and then proceed to fuck with the people who actually try to help, completely destroying OP's ability to actually judge the levels. but the 8-year-olds who think their fucking meaningless thoughts on a top level's difficulty are even more ridiculous. no little sam, bloodlust isn't a fucking top50 demon that's just extended bloodbath (based on a true post btw), tartarus isn't easier than zodiac just because you think so for literally no reason, unnerfed innards isn't overrated because you don't like the level, unnerfed fucking silent clubstep isn't "tartarus difficulty". and again, these shits have no self awareness either, making them a million times worse.
and then there's zhalexx, who deserves a special mention. he's this weird user, who very often has good points, but has such a large ego and is often so aggressive about them that he looks like a retard and can't be taken seriously. like ffs having 30 on bloodlust on 60hz doesn't put you among the best 60hz players.
and then the kids who post obviously hacked shit. not much to say about them, i just can't understand what they're hoping to achieve by saying they beat tartarus on 30fps on a 2009 Android phone.
the unpopular opinion/hot take posts are always popular opinions and it hurts my brain. i don't know if it's general internet retardation or just the geometry dash community being full of dumb fucks, but it's just such a waste of post if you say "unpopular opinions" and then proceed to present the most popular opinions ever. are these fucks retarded or do they wanna get attention??? seeing actual unpopular opinions and hot takes on this sub makes me feel like i could go out and win 3 jackpots in a row and get away with murder on top of that.
the sub has literally no sense of taste when it comes to memes. it's always the same 5 fucking meme ideas and templates, and the instant someone makes an actually creative and/or good meme, it's on the top of hot and 27 other people jump on the idea, raping it sideways and completely ruining the joke, leaving behind nothing but the remains of a corpse. anD The FuCKS STILL WON'T STOP!!!! new will be full of that exact same shit for a week and it's absolutely miserable and disgusting. i honestly feel like the sub would be better off without memes, like what they did on Nerf.
that kinda concludes what i have to say. i want you to keep in mind that this post is factually correct, and you can't oppose any of the points made. bye.

The Template Legends (Part 1)

Ok folks, I think I have it. I have the full story and I will keep updating these as SrGrafo continues to release related templates. I will include the template names along with their section of the story:

Our story begins with Hobo Grafo trying to survive on the streets of Editopia, begging for change. One kind gentleman really likes our protagonist's sign and decides to give him some Graf Bucks, the currency of this universe. ("Good Sign")
One day, Hobo Grafo decides he's had enough of living on the streets. He wants to go somewhere, do something, be someone. So, he attempts to get a job at Grafo Corp LLC, but faces scrutiny and humiliation from others because he's a bum. They believe there's no way he could make it in their world. However, there is one person who stands out among the smug and laughing faces. Let's call this kind soul, Grafoline, because why not. ("Light at the End of the Tunnel")
Anyway, Grafo manages to get at least an interview and surprisingly, he does get the job. Unfortunately, his new boss, Chadfo, is a complete pepperoni. Like this dude would sell his wife to buy another yacht. He lets Hobo Grafo know that he got very lucky in regards to this job and that he only hired him because it would be good publicity. We see our hero wondering what in the world he just got himself into. ("The Worst Boss")
Grafoline overhears the entire interaction and makes a major decision. She decides to not only show that soggy pancake Chadfo what a soggy pancake he is, but that Hobo Grafo has great potential. She tells Hobo Grafo that she can help him reach his full potential and help him stick it to his new boss. Our hero agrees, knowing that an opportunity like this may never present itself again. They cut his hair, trim his beard, clean him up. He has gone through a metamorphosis. He is no longer Hobo Grafo, he has ascended to become SrGrafo!
SrGrafo works hard at Grafo Corp LLC. Thanks to the assistance provided to him by Grafoline, he is excelling in the job. His sales numbers are through the roof. Everything is going great for him. Chadfo is seething in rage and eventually finds out that Grafoline is the one who helped this man, who was supposed to be a worthless hobo, become a prodigy. So, Chadfo calls SrGrafo into his office. He offers Grafs an ultimatum. Either SrGrafo quits the job, or Grafoline gets the axe instead. Grafo know what he has to do. He owes everything to Grafoline, his mentor and best friend. He loves his job, but he knows that Grafoline loves it even more. So, if he's going out, he's going out on his terms. He goes absolute ape shit. He's kicking things off Chadfo's desk, calling him a damp sock, and so much more. However, this is a little over the line. Chadfo tells Grafs that he's calling the police, but that he wasn't actually going to fire Grafoline. SrGrafo immediately regrets this decision and tries to play nice, but to no avail. ("Tantrum Canceler")
Our hero is arrested for assault, because to some people that is assault. Grafo searches the crowd of faces, looking for his best friend, only to find her with her head turned away from him in shame. She had taken a chance on him, and he let her down.
Later, Grafo is in court on charges of assault. At the start of the trial, the honorable judge Judgefo begins to read off the charges. He unrolls the paper and reads aloud, "SrGrafo, you are charged with..." He squints at the paper, which reads, "Assaulting his boss and telling him what everyone thinks of him." The judge looks over at Grafs, "Bruh, that's awesome. Unfortunately, I have to sentence you to 7 to 10 years in prison, but still." Thus, the trial of SrGrafo has come to an end. ("Cool Crimes")
In prison, SrGrafo meets his cell mate. A large man built like a brick house named...Rebecca, but he goes by Beck. Beck is in for murder, but he refuses to say any more than that. He asks Grafs what he's in for, and SrGrafo tells him that he stuck it to his boss. Even Beck is surprised at the audacity of this man. ("I Killed a Man")
SrGrafo and Beck become fast friends however. Grafo is the brains and Beck is the brawn.
Two years pass. Grafo and Beck are essentially brothers in arms at this point. They trust each other and essentially run the prison at this point. To this day, however, the image of a disappointed Grafoline haunts SrGrafo every night. He begins to wonder if he should find a way out and explain everything to her. Maybe she could find a way to forgive him and they can be friends like they used to. One day, all of Grafo's doubt turns into determination. He gets a call from the hospital. A doctor informs Grafo that his grandmother is now in intensive care at the hospital. As the only remaining family that Grandma Grafo has, thought they should inform him. Grafo gives the doctor access to the funds he saved up at Grafo Corp LLC to do whatever is necessary to treat his grandmother and keep her alive. After he hangs up, Grafo returns to his cell and says one thing to Beck, "We're getting out."
Grafo has Beck gather the other inmates in the rec room. After bribing a guard, Grafo begins to give a presentation on a detailed escape plan. Grafo knows he can't escape alone and that he'll need all the help he can get. The other prisoners agree to the plan and praise SrGrafo as the genius that he is. However, the sooner they put this plan into action the better. They decided to attempt it tomorrow night. ("The Escape Plan")
The night of the escape, the prisoners are on the move. Everything is going perfectly. They are moving, cell block by cell block, and getting everyone out. Despite the size of the group, they are still moving with all the grace and silence of a tiger hunting its prey. They get out to the yard. At this time, the guard is being changed, so this is their chance. However, one guard stands in their path. The veteran, Officer Andrew. He turns at just the wrong moment and spots SrGrafo. The other prisoners freeze in place, afraid of being spotted. Grafo knows what he has to do. He sacrifices himself to distract Andrew, allowing the others to escape. Beck swears that he will never forget his brother and that he will do whatever it takes to get him out. Grafo is immediately taken to interrogation, where the guards threaten to increase his sentence to life if he doesn't tell where the others are. Grafo tries to lie his way through it, creating a very elaborate story that goes on a little too long, much like this text wall you won't actually read through. Unfortunately, SrGrafo was born with a condition that causes his nose to grow when he lies, Pinocchio style. Grafo's sentence is increased to life. ("Unlucky Fella" & "Awful Snitch")
Months later, Grafo gets a call from an old friend. On the other end of the line, Beck tells Grafo that he got one of the best lawyers he knows to take care of the appeal for Grafo's freedom. Grafo lets Beck know that he appreciates everything and that they'll have to hang out sometime. He also tells his brother that he's been doing some working out. At this point, Grafo is now 6'5" and can lift an elephant with one hand. Later, at the appeal, Judgefo III wants to know why he should approve of Grafo getting his freedom after everything he's done. SrGrafo is quick to fire back at the judge, "Because, only a pepperoni would keep me locked up for something so foolish." Grafo's lawyer, Lawfo, fires at the judge with all the grace of the perfect hype man, "Your honor you just got owned, my client is free to go." Thus, Grafo was granted parole. ("Prison Call" & "Parole")
SrGrafo immediately rushes to the hospital after the appeal hearing to visit his grandmother. The doctor tells Grafo that his grandmother doesn't have much time. In a string of bad decisions, the hospital lets SrGrafo take his grandmother home, so that she may pass on under the roof his grandfather hand built so long ago. Grafo spends the little time he has left with Grandma Grafo. Whether it be baking with her or showing her stupid meme videos, the two enjoy the little time they have left. One night, Grandma Grafo's time finally comes. The door to her bedroom swings open and Grafo turns to face the Reaper himself. Grafo, stands tall however, not ready to let go just yet. However, Death had seen this too many times to count. He tells SrGrafo how it is: either he moves or Grandma Grafo is guaranteed to suffer in whatever afterlife she believes in. Grafo reluctantly steps aside, allowing Death to take his grandmother to the Underworld. There she will face judgement and move on to the afterlife that she believes in. ("Before the Storm," "Sweetie," "It's Time," & "Can't Argue With That")
After Death leaves and returns to the Underworld, Grafo realizes he that he isn't ready to let go. Even though his grandmother's soul is on the line, he makes a decision. He grabs his battle helmet, realizes that it is now or never, and jumps into the portal to the Underworld. He comes crashing down from above, taking out as many minions as he can on the way down. The Reaper can only look in awe at the audacity of this mortal. He gently places Grandma Grafo on the ground and turns to face this new foe. The two go to war, each beast throwing blow after blow. Every time a shot lands, it sends echoes through the Underworld. The minions of Death watch the two with amazement. They're selling concessions, taking bets, providing play-by-play and color commentary on USN (Underworld Sports Network). Both SrGrafo and Death are evenly matched, either man needing the other to make a mistake to end it. Fortunately for Grafo, the Reaper slips up and leaves an opening. Grafo knows that this may be the only chance he gets. He counters a punch by Death and sweeps the monster off his feet. Death lands on the ground hard and Grafo goes in for the kill, but something stops him. He feels something holding his arm back. SrGrafo turns to find Grandma Grafo, preventing her grandson from ending Death. "You need to learn to let go sweetie. Death is a natural part of life. I accepted my fate a while ago and I am ready to move on. I will always be with you in your heart. I love you and I always will, even as I am watching from beyond world of the living," Grandma Grafo tells her grandson reassuringly.
"But-" Grafo starts.
"No 'buts.' Please, allow me to move on. You will never grow if you never learn to let go and move forward. Holding on to the past will only make life harder than it needs to be. Learn from your experiences, never forget the time we spent together. You have made this old woman proud to be your grandmother," Grandma Grafo tells him lovingly. Grafo collapses to the ground and begins to cry. All the stress of the last few years finally crashes into him at once and he just lets it flow. Grandma Grafo walks over to Death. "I'm ready, it's time to go," she tells him. Death nods and picks up the frail old woman. As Grafo sits there crying, a minion walks up to him and offers him a drink. Grafo accepts the little beasts offer, thanks him, and turns to walk away.
As Death and Grafo are walking their separate ways, the little minion stands between the two, trying to decide who to go with. He wants to do something else with his life. He is tired of the typical nine to five job of wandering around in Death's palace. He decides to run along with our hero. Grafo hears the sound of little foot steps behind him. He turns around and finds a small child. Grafo looks at the boy with curiosity. "What's up buddy?" he asks the child. The little boy seems to want to go with him, asking silently but pleadingly. Grafo nods, happy to have a new friend in his travels. ("Just Doing My Job," "What A Show!," "It's Ok," "You Need This More Than I Do," "Decisions," & "A Friendly Disguise")
Cut to a farm house, just outside the town of Zoeville. It's a calm night and the air cool like a fall day. Everything is quiet, everything is calm. Sam has just laid down to go to bed. It is a school night after all and it's about the same time his dad would tell him to go to bed. He was just starting to drift away into the world of dream and wonder when suddenly, he could hear the sound of music. It started to get louder and louder. "Is that, metal?" Sam asks himself. At that moment, the floor of his room begins to crack. Sam stared in confusion. "What is happening?" Sam wondered. The crack grew and grew, until finally it burst open. The sound of electric guitar fills the air. Sam stares in absolute shock as SrGrafo and a small child pop out of the hole. Grafo looks around the room. "Wait," Grafo says confused, "this isn't my grandma's house." He notices Sam, who has the most confused look on his face. "Hey little dude, what city is this?" Grafo asks the small and dumbstruck child.
"We're just outside of Zoeville. Can I ask who you are and where you just came from?" asks Sam, trying to figure out if he took too much of his melatonin and is having one heck of a dream.
"Well dang it, I was trying to get to Chloefield. Well, I'm SrGrafo and this is my new friend..." Grafo trails off, realizing he doesn't know the child's name, "Billy. Anyway we're trying to get home from the Underworld after I fought, and almost killed, Death in an attempt to save my grandmother's soul so that I could spend more time with her before she moved on the next life. You know that sounded way less odd in my head. Can I use your phone?" Sam tells Grafo where the phone is and he goes to make a call. ("Wrong Room")
SrGrafo walks into the living room looking for the phone when he turns and finds a familiar face. Andrew had come home without Grafo ever hearing him. Grafo stood there, staring at the man who had prevented his escape from prison. Both men afraid to move, but well aware of the other's presence. Grafs decided to make the first move, stepping towards Andrew. The old officer was quick to try and disarm any potential violence. "We can throw fists, but I think we're mature enough to solve this without violence," Andrew says, attempting to sound confident. SrGrafo stops right in front of the man, towering over him. "You're right," says Grafo, "It's been a while since we last spoke. I've done a lot of growing in that time." He turns to the phone next to them and notices a photo of a very young officer. "Is that you?" Grafo asks the officer.
"Yea, but that's an old photo," replies Andrew, "That was my photo from when I was first instated as an officer."
"Been an officer a long time?" Grafo asks.
"Yea, about 20 years," says Andrew, as he's turning the TV to the news. As Grafo goes to make his call, the news caster cuts off a news report about a man who was partaking in suspicious activity with a duck. "We're sorry to interrupt you DeJMan, but we have a major news bulletin. There was a major crash on the highway near Zoeville," says the newscaster.
"Well that's not so bad," comments Andrew.
"A semi in the collision was carrying an experimental bio-weapon," continues the newscaster. Both Grafo and Andrew freeze at this. They rush over to the window and look out. An explosion in the distance brightens the night sky, almost as if the sky had never been dark before. The mushroom cloud loomed over the horizon like a storm cloud on approach. Andrew opens the window a little bit and yells at a man standing nearby, "Hey! Is it safe to go outside?" The man turns, his eyes bloodshot and almost popping out of his head. "Always, in fact, you should join me," the stranger replies, smiling and laughing, almost as if there's a joke that only he's in on. Andrew turns back to Grafo, "Yea, we should probably stay inside for a little bit. I have Uno if you're interested!" As Andrew went to go get the cards, a loud rumble starts up outside. "What now?" Andrew asks, clearly exhausted. As he moves towards the window, they bust open. A horde of crazed people try to crawl through the window to get to those inside, all of them screaming, "Join us you f**kin p***ies!"
"Now, that's toxic people," Grafo adds. One of them manages to force the front door open, the chain bolt the only thing stopping them from getting in. "Hey, let me in!" they demand, "I'm not infected! I can prove it! I repost art without giving credit to the original artist!" Andrew slams the door in his face. One of them manages to get in while the Grafo and Andrew weren't looking and begins to vomit his blood all over the place. "EEWWWW!" Grafo cries out, holding up the picture of man who writes long text walls on the internet that over analyze meme templates. He turns to Andrew, "Why do you have this in your house?" Grafo, realizing that they are running out of time and that this many crazed fools presents a risk to the kids back in Sam's room. readies himself for battle. He charges into the mob, swinging left and right, taking out as many as he can. Bodies flying everywhere, hitting the floor. As he thins the hoard, Grafo notices an odd sight. He sees...a clown. Intrigued, Grafo stops and picks up the clown. "I found a clown," he informs Andrew. ("Awkward Stare," "Let's Talk," Old Photo," "Breaking News," "The Nuke," "Fallout," "The Virus," Not Infected," "Disgusting!," & "Apocalypse Clown")

OP's Message: That's the end of part one! I want to see how well this actual post does and if it gets taken down before I do the rest. Thank you so much to u/SrGrafo for creating these templates. It's pretty cool that there is a consistent story line. I enjoyed doing this part and I hope that I can do the rest!

"Oh, and your families were killed in front of you" - A story of how I will never trust my friend again with picking roleplays

Hello again, I'm writing this post the second time cus when I was nearly finished with it, my phone crashed on me and I lost everything - so now I'm on my laptop and I can finally make the text nice and pwetty. Anyway. Obligatory "English is not my first language" and "This is a long one bud"; so let's start, shall we?
So, if any of you remember me from my stories or me vibing in the comments, I'm a public DRRPer of 3/4 years with Discord being my one and only platform as of now. I found my community and I get on with everyone there great, even if I'm closer to others more but that's natural, no? Regardless, I need to provide some context as to why I even got myself into this mess.
Back in 2018/2019, I joined a server with few of my friends which solidified our current community and friend group. I've met one of my close friends who we will call K for the sake of anonymity. So, the two of us immediately click and we have a splendid time with our characters and others. His character was a Big Meme Bro type of character while mine was a Sunshine child that didn't know anything better and was just a cinnamon roll, so the two of them grew very close. Everything was ruined though when it was revealed he was the Mastermind, breaking her and me mentally - but it was a great twist, one of the best MMs I've seen in my career so again, gj if you are reading this K - but we decided that we will re-apply them someday so they can just be siblings without any of them being a mastermind or traitor or anything like that; just pure, platonic sibling relationship.
So, our story begins around two weeks ago? At least at the time of making this post. So. I hit a dry wall with RPs as I was only modding my own one and the ones I was in I was either dead in or they have finished - so I started becoming bored and more burnout due to not having a proper way of focusing on something that wasn't college, irl and modding. So, me and K are vibing in VC one night and he mentioned that he found a Summer Resort RP and that he's gonna app his character there - that we will call Kai - and I asked if he ould send me the link too. So I get the link, join the server and o h b o i
The amount of red flags that I've got hit with from the very start is not to be underestimated, ESPECIALLY since they just kept coming and they wouldn't stop coming.
Red flag number 1, Big Trigger List; now, I'm not an asshole, I know people have different lives and different things happened that would make their triggers be triggers, but there's a fine line between a genuine trigger and being ridiculous. In my eyes, if you are in a fandom and your trigger is gore when the fandom and game/book/film/etc is gory, it poses a problem, no? Or when your trigger is simply mentioning a character from that fandom. I am GENUIENLY concerned for anyone who upon seeing name 'Kaede' or 'Kokichi' have a full on panic attack, and I am not meaning to be an ass when I say that if it's something that happens to you you REALLY need to find help. But that's a vent for another time, point is, the trigger list is a long and ridicolous one seeing as this was a DRRP, which is about teens/young adults killing each other in horrible ways and being killed themselves in over the top executions.
Red flag number 2, No Lore Doc; there was no doc or channel telling us about the universe - nothing, nic, nada. We didn't know if the world is in ruin, what year it was, if the events of canon DR were a thing here, what effects did the Season 1 had on the world - there was absolutely nothing to go off of. This will be important later on, so keep this in mind.
Red flag number 3, Google Form Apps; so, for context, there are several ways I saw people app to DRRPs: via a discord message by filling up a template, using google docs or google forms. Now, all oft those have advantages in their own rights, except for Google Forms as let me tell you, they aren't good for apps AT ALL. The word limit is impossible to work with if you are someone that goes into a lot of detail, you need to do everything in one go which is impossible if you are busy, you can't save progress for later nor edit it and you can't access it unless you will be given the perms to see ALL of the forms, and that's not good for obvious reasons. There were several people - along with me - that complained about losing our apps cus of how the forms worked and few even HAD to ping the mod to ask about THEIR character info because they couldn't access their form app.
Red flag number 4, A shitton of bots; not such a big issue, but it makes you wonder why the server needs a bot for everything and yet doesn't have a bot SPECIFICALLY made for DRRPs(Ultimate Assistant is dope and saves so much time, pass it on) especially when one of them just... Randomly reacts to your messages for no reason??? Idk, whenever I see too many bots I just grow sus of the place.
Red flag number 5, Overuse of TupperBox; for those uninitiated, TupperBox is a bot made for roleplaying where you can make your messages have different characters. I don't mind it as much? I know my friends have mixed opinions on it but for me, as long as it's not exsessive and isn't all around the place I can live with it? What's the problem here though is, is that a lot of people useit for OOC chat and it's jsut really, REALLY hard to figure out who the fuck is talking when the only profile that pops up is that of TupperBox.
Red flag number 6, Apps for Protag/Support/Antag; this just screams 'App to have a plot armour of some sort!' to me. Having apps for this just underwhelms the roles in my opinion, cus the characters are supposed to develop or fill those roles naturally, not becuase they apped for it. It's much more satisfying to look at the rp at the end and be like "Wow, this character really was a great antagonist with their development and reasoning". Also, even if they said that they will just "give them things to do", isn't that something the players should instigate? If they are interested in messing up a crime scene, they should go into the DMs and ask if that's possible - at least that's my opinion.
Red flag number 7, My Gut; not a really worthy red flag, but I always trust my gut. Of course, there was one or two instances it was wrong, but usually, it is right when there's a sketchy RP on the horizon.
There were other red flags, but those are all the ones I can remember from the top of my head. But regardless of those, I still decided to app because K said it will be fine and I trusted him with it. So, me, him and three of our other friends - that I will introduce later - decide to app together which creates the meme of our group being called "RP name + DLC" due to the four of us apping charaters from the RP where we all met and our friend just tagging along with their own character. Everyone was getting fishy vibes, but we simply gave the rp BOD, and vibed there.
So, some time passes and I check the general and I see that the host says how they dislike docs, so I both jokingly and genuienly comment that I never seen anyone that disliked Docs so much - because I really never met anyone that felt so strongly about Docs - and the host snapped at me as if I did something wrong? Luckily, K was there to defend me and help escalate the situation down, because knowing me I'd just accidentally snap back at them.
So that was fun; since then, I felt as if I were walking on egg shells, which was both bad for my anxiety but also good overall cus I though that would make me less probable to be accepted, and at that point I just wanted an excuse to fuck right off.
So, the next few days are calm; I'm focusing on a FCFS RP that my friend set up - that is so much more fun than this one, which is ironic without context - as the cast reveal date rolls closer. Me, K, M and S are in VC together, with others that decided to join the server just to spectate it, and are just vibing together when we saw that someone commented something along the lines of "Oh I'm not gonna get in because I didn't write a backstory" and we just looked at it, then at 'eachother' and laughed. I am still dumbfounded as to how can someone forget to write a backstory, especially when the form is forcing you to put something in every category; remember this.
So. Cast rolls around, a bunch of people I don't know and then K's character gets accepted so we woop for him, just for me to see a ping, meaning I also got accepted! Yay, such achievement. Regardless, I go back to the channel just to see something very off.
So, my character has a fake name - who calls their child Fiyu Chimo after all - and she hides it to protect her family from cops and all; I made sure to mention it both on the google doc I initially sent and google form, and yet the host put in her real name. Everyone was so confused cus her new name was a new addition I added to her rewritten and improved version. Adding that to "Secrets that were revealed too soon by the hosts" hole. Regardless, my friends told me to not argue about it because it's not worth it - and quite honestly, they were right, it's not like her name being fake was a big secret, it is rather obvious seeing the name she goes by - and I simply left a snarky comment in the character discussion channel where I wrote "welp, guess thats one secret gone".
So, everything else goes by; the other two people from our friend group get accepted, some other peeps I don't know about and then that guy. What guy? The "I didn't write anything for the backstory" guy. They got in somehow when our friend, S, didn't. As someone who rped with S before and saw his apps, I am CERTAIN that bias caused him to not get in - either that or his character cus he was an antagonist and not a really nice person, but a VERY good character. Anyway, we are laughing about it, congratulating S on escaping the shithole until we see a notification in the general.
What was it, you migth be asking? It was the host pinging S to ask him about his character's name and talent. Apparently one of the accepted decided to immediately dip cus they didn't want to rp, and he got their spot? What's even weird - and became another red flag - was that they literally went into the public chat and asked him for the info that THEY should have; after all, they had his app and all. So, S provides the deets and he's in with the gang. I believe it is the time to introduce the main gang so here we go!
-Fiyu, aka me, Ultimate Chimney Sweeper; -Kai, aka K, Ultimate Memeticist; -Min, aka M, Ultimate Informative Hacktivist; -San, aka S, Ultimte Luck; -Oda, aka P, Ultimate Shogun.
Everyone in this gang got in and we are just screaming internally, but we decide to give this RP a shot and do our best - after all, perhaps it just had rough beginnings? Some RPs I was in had rough beginnings and were awesome at the end. So anyway, I make a relationship chart, some people fill it up, others don't etc etc we vibing and then the RP starts - yesterday, at the time of this post - and we are just sweating internally, ready for everything that could happen.
So, before the prologue happens, we notice that there's a new channel called 'lore', where the host just started to put in the lore. Was it our lore? Nope. It was Season 1 lore. So, few minutes before the RP starts, we just learn there was a killing game before??? And we are like: "uhhh wouldn't everyone know about it then-" but we are too tired by it to question it.
Still no lore for our Season though, but be patient, I'm getting to it.
So, prologue starts - everyone leaves the boat and vibe on the deck. We are allowed to interact for a short while, so I IMMEDIATELY claim Kai seeing as K also wanted to interact with Fiyu - additional person also joined in, who's character we will call Yuu and the admin we will call Y. Apparently, M met them before, and tbh with the time I rped with them, they are such a good person. Probably one of the small number of people that I actually enjoy on that server.
At the same time, we suddenly check a ping in the character discussion, which was from the host themselves. They pinged us to say that everyone is fucking dead. I'm not kidding, they said that all of the characters' families were KILLED in front of them at a very young age, and that was the tipping scale for me. I didn't 'mind' the name being revealed because it wasn't that importnat, but this? OH BOY LEMME TELL YOU A STORY!
So, Fiyu is a very family-orientated person; her entire concept is that she's dependant on her family due to her circumstance, and she spent all of her time with her foster family when her parents left her in their care due to having to travel abroad. If her entire family would be killed - as the host said - she would already be dead. She CAN NOT survive on her own due to her being overly sick, malnurished, ignorant of the world and the like. She doesn't even know how to read and write, how on hell would she survive???
And the host WOULD KNOW THAT BECAUSE THEY HAVE HER APP! If all the families were fucking murdered in front of the charaters, why would they accept someone that has a backstory that contradicts that to hell and back? I'm not even gonna go into details as to how such event will change EVERY character because this isn't the time for it. So, obviously, me and my friends were pissed and I decided to explode. I said nicely(and by that, I mean I was passive aggressive which was probably a bad move on my side but can you blame me?) that this would mean that Fiyu wouldn't be alive and that her backstory and character relies too much on her family, and the host just replied "fine then i guess her family wasn't killed".
I'm proud of myself, I finally stood up for myself. But still, this is why you REVEAL THE LORE BEFORE YOU EVEN START ACCEPTING APPS! All of this could have been avoided if you simply told us what the setting and lore was of the universe, and not just walk in in the middle of a prologue being like "haha your families are dead l o l".
Regardless of that... The three of us go to the beach as we make it clear we are claiming it, and we start talking there. Except not even few SECONDS LATER, people start invading it; at the end, there were like 6 people there interacting at the same time, and it was getting chaotic. At this time, me and my friends are just shaking and screaming in another server because everything is just a chaotic mess. It wasn't even an entertaining mess of "it's so bad it's good", it was just B A D.
So, after like, 20 minutes, we are called back to the deck for some reason. So everyone goes there, me, K and Y arrive there late cus we had to wait for each other to respond but we manage to get there. So we just vibing as we stare at the fucking chaos that was happening. Apparently there was a helicopter that nuked the ship? Some kids jump off the plane announcing that they are sons of the last MM? They shoot someone and then they fuck off... So that happened.
So, after that happened, me, K and Y just moved away again to continue our interaction, and to be honest the few lines we managed to get in before all of us went to bed were so much better than the entire prologue.
I just can't wait for the murders and motives, cus if the prolog was such a mess, those will be a disaster; I might make an update post about it as it will continue, if people would be interested lol.

TLDR; me and my friends apply to an RP with deveral big red flags and get the biggest dumpsterfire we ever experienced in our RPing careers.

Hombrew I've Played: Subclasses Edition, Part 2(Paladin to Wizard) - An extensive list of over a hundred subclasses I've playtested, what I still allow, and a brief summary of each and my experience with it.

For Homebrew Classes, See This Post.
For Homebrew Subclasses (Part 1), See This Post with Barbarian to Monk.
So I was supposed to post this uh... 16 days ago, so I'll tell you what, you get a 16% discount off what you paid for it. That's right, 16% of $0 so I don't want to hear any complaints.
For my methodology and defense of Homebrew and why I use it, feel free to read the opening of my original posts ) where I go to greater length on the subject... don't had the word count to spare every post. Suffice to say that my experience is that the main problem that faces Homebrew is that it can be exceedingly difficult to sort through the vast selection and find stuff you might actually want to use. My groups and I have playtested hundreds of hours of the content out there, so I'm just trying to share that time and effort with you.
The purpose of this list is to give a brief outline of each thing I've playtested, and give people some guidance if they want to look further into it. I'm not telling you what to allow, just what might be worth taking a look at if it strikes your fancy. I can give a more in-depth thought on anything on the list, just feel free to ask, though I may get overwhelmed with those sort of requests in my limited reddit time and slow typing.

Balance Criteria

Note: What I think is balanced is not guaranteed to be what you think is balanced. Here is the main considerations I have (in order of importance to me):

Does not overshadow the rest of the party.
Does not trivialize common encounters.
Does not significantly make me redesign encounters around its unique abilities.
Cannot do more damage than optimized PHB builds.
Is not directly better than an existing option (I will waive this in some cases where the existing option is rarely played).
It's not uselessly weak. Balance is a two sided scale, and though overpowered is a more common problem, underpowered is a bad time for the player.

Rules for inclusion:

It has to be free. This list is saying that I'm comfortable saying it's worth your time to look at, not that it's a perfect fit for you game.
I have to actually have playtested it. This is "Homebrew I've Played" not "Homebrew I've Read and Had a Strong Opinion On". For that to happen, a player had to pick it from my list of stuff I'm offering or bring it to me and ask if they can play it (the later more often than the former these days). I will only add things to a list that are not obviously broken, and players will only pick things that look interesting, unique, fun, or fit a character idea they have. These are limitations of this just being something we do for fun.
In general, I'm not including duplicates, just the one I liked the best, if there's multiples of the same thing. You are busy people, and the point is to reduce the overall list of things to sort through.
I don't review or allow joke and memes options. I'm sorry, but I'm old grouch who doesn't know how to have fun.

Additionally, I weigh overhead against new options - I am fairly tolerant of complicated mechanics or options, but I dislike things that force saves every turn, or allow for excessive rerolling of dice, or introduce floating modifiers. These are all things that unnecessarily slow down combat, and require extra justification for their presence (which is possible, just that the bar is higher).

Paladin

Subclass	Creator	Description	Playtest Feedback	I Allow	Notes
Oath of Avarice ^{^COFSA}	GenuineBelieverer	A Paladin that believes bling is justice.	Balanced. It is actually pretty solid, and one of my favorite things from COFSA.	✔	I like alternative Paladin Oaths that are unique, and it's unique, and actually pretty balanced. It also does a much better job of having an adaptably flavor that is not tied to lore or strange mechanics. All around solid.
Oath of Anaracy ^{^POP}	BunnygeonMaster	A Paladin the believes freedom of movement is a right.	Balanced. It mostly just gives a lot of tools for moving about.	✔	Limitless power has a line that might break your game about ignoring creature's immunity, so you may want to play your BBEG accordingly or tweak that feature, but that's 20th level.
Oath of the Grim Hunt	SethBlackwood	A Paladin with a Warlock's amount of edge.	Somewhat too much. d12 smites with rerolls, even as your channel divinity, is a lot in practice; we are talking a first level slot for 3d12 with rerolls vs. a Fiend or something.	X	I think this is probably the Paladin where I started adopting the principle to stop playtesting Paladins that have a feature that reads, essentially, "Smite harder", as that is really the last thing Paladins need in life even if it is what they end to want.
Oath of the Midnight Hour	the_singular_anyone(walrock)	A Paladin that stalks the night and shanks their foes.	Mostly balanced. I find Shadowblade to be a bit much early on, especially due to it's fairly high chance to interact with criticals.	✔	I allow it because I want a Paladin that is like this, but I would like it better if Shadowblade wasn't as strong (or was at least harder to use). I may nerf that feature if someone wanted to play it in a campaign again.
Oath of Power ^{^POP}	BunnygeonMaster	A Paladin that is a superhero.	It is a little too meme-like for me, but mechanically balanced.	X	I should have been more suspecious of anything that has an anime quote, but I didn't recognize such things on first pass. Your mileage will vary based on the tone of your game.
Oath of Sanity	KibblesTasty	A blantantly misnamed Oath for making an insane Paladin.	Balanced, if perhaps on the somewhat more specific/undertuned side.	✔	This oath bats way over par in making characters that very entertaining. It's like if a Call of Cthulu investigator found their way into D&D but still had their old insticts that everything was going to kill them.
Oath of Zeal	CaelReader	A Paladin that thinks Vengeance Paladins are soft on heretics.	Giving Paladins more smite can be a little over the top.	X	I'm not sure giving up 10 points of lay on hands is overpowered, but it did feel imbalanced (as in just not in balance), in that it turned the Paladin into a very one note thing (more smites, all the time, which I believe is the intention of it). I also think Stern Gaze should probably just be intimidation, as it makes little sense for Persuasion checks.

Ranger*

Subclass	Creator	Description	Playtest Feedback	I Allow	Notes
Beast Master (Revised)	KibblesTasty	Be more than just a graveyard manager for your menagrie of dead pets. A functional beastmaster.	Balanced. A good balance between "your pet cannot attack" and "you have two actions"	✔	WotC has struggled a lot with pet classes, but I find it a good balance. Your pet can occasionally attack and frequently help you out.
Dragon Apprentice Ranger	TheArenaGuy	For when being raised by wolves just doesn't cut it. A ranger themed around emulating a dragon.	Balanced, generally fits the Ranger template well, even if that template is kicking you right in the bonus actions.	✔	Some players are disappointed they don't get a dragon till 15th level. I don't use the cosmic dragons, so cannot speak to anything related to them here, but the rest should be fine.
Shooting Star ^{^ATLAS}	aeyana	A Ranger that shoots for the stars (cosmic ranger).	Balanced. It's fine, and generally obeys the Ranger rule that your bonus action will be a cluterfuck.	✔	I find their resource system (motes) sort of a pain in the ass and they generally have too much of it, but it's mostly fine.
Witch Hunter ^{^YAG}	Yorviing	A Ranger that hunters Witches... and potentially other spell casters too.	More or less balanced, but somewhat too specialized. If there aren't Witches to hunt, their feature pool is a little shallow.	✔	It's generally okay, though I may warn against it for a new player that may overestimate how many spell casting enemies they will fight (and I tend to run more than usual).
Witchguard	RSquared	A Ranger that fights off the Witch Hunters (above)... Bond with a spell caster and protect them.	It is overpowered in a way, but I still allow it. It really comes down to how worried you are about a Ranger being somewhat too good at being a team player.	✔	It is overpowered in the sense that it is too strong when compared to what a Ranger subclass should be, but I don't find that it does it in a way that causes issues in my game. Your mileage may vary. Sort of requires buy in from another player, so a little unusual that way.

Rogue

Subclass	Creator	Description	Playtest Feedback	I Allow	Notes
Acrobat	Mage Hand Press	Tumble and leap your way to victory.	As written, Parting Toss makes no sense. If it is balanced depends on how you modify that feature.	✔	RAW, Parting Toss does nothing. If you read it to mean it's a free action, it's busted. I replaced that feature entirely.
Assassin(Revised)	KibblesTasty	Gives assassin new ways of dealing death.	Balanced. The original assassin does one thing very well, this does a few things pretty well.	✔	Some will miss the old Assassinate, but it rarely played nice with a party, and we could go weeks without getting a single use of it, while this has a good mix of solo assassination and party play.
The Brotherhood	Mage Hand Press	Assassin's creed rogue.	Partially balanced. Death From Above has a reasonable drawback until 13th level, and there it costs your reaction, so isn't too bad.	✔	Goes from near useless to very strong depending on how much vertical space is on your battlemaps.
Divine Agent	KibblesTasty	The black ops wing of any organized ~~crime~~ religion.	Balanced, perhaps a little undertuned due to how late rogue subclass features come in.	✔	A Divine Rogue that isn't a 1/3 caster, but has limited casting from their features. Would prefer a little early casting.
Ruffian	Jaekbad	A Rogue that fights ~~dirty~~ dirter than usual.	Balanced. The general idea is well implemented and works well, none of the features are crazy.	✔	The rare pleasent example of something on the /UA curated list that belongs there. Quite like the idea and its a unique take on a Rogue subclass while still being archetypically a rogue. Should be noted it doesn't specialize in strength (though can technically use it) despite the name.
Surgeon	KibblesTasty	A walking revoked medical license.	Balanced. It provides a good balance of support and rogue template features.	✔	I run the Intelligence variant, as I prefer my surgeons to be smart rather than cunning.
Shinobi	Mage Hand Press	The ninja rogue everyone wants to be.	Balanced, their ki is pretty limited and does reasonable things for the most part.	✔	I make Kaginawa part of Cunning Action rather than a free action; your mileage will vary based on how vertical your maps tend to be.
Spidertouched ^{^COFSA}	GenuineBelieverer	A Spider themed rogue that shoots webs and poisons things.	Balanced, if a little strong in the hands of a clever player, particularly when combined with CBE.	✔	There is a semi common synergy between nets and CBE, and this sort of amplifies that. In fact, it makes nets incredibly strong in general. It also scales extremely well with haste. They are limited in their special net requiring a bonus action (which conflicts with CBE), which is sort of its saving grace.

Sorcerer*

Subclass	Creator	Description	Playtest Feedback	I Allow	Notes
Ashen Lineage ^{^COFSA}	GenuineBelieverer	The kid of an Ashen Wolf Warlock.	Balanced, more or less. The first level feature is mostly useless - produce flame mostly a worse firebolt, the claws are niche.	✔	It's okay, but some players were a little frustrated that it doesn't quite seem to do what it wants to do. It is hard to effectively actually use the Born of Ember feature, as Sorcerers are not natural gishes, and if you multiclass, you'd probably to actually attack for scaling reasons... it's like the Ashen Wolf Warlock, but lacks the invocations to make it actually work.
Aether Heart	KibblesTasty	A Sorcerer's whose true power is that of their heart. Because it's a magical power source.	Balanced, if slightly undertuned at lower levels.	✔	It is sort of metamagic specialist, which I think is a good niche for a Sorcerer subclass, but doesn't quite go far enough and I already give extra metamagic.
Deathtouched ^{^DarkArts}	Jonoman3000	A Sorcerer that gets the power from a connection with death	Balanced, generally powerful if dim light is commonly available, but may suffer a bit if your party likes it light sources.	✔	It doesn't have a bonus spell list, so I give it one, which sort of conflicts with the 6th level feature as there's just not that many necromany spells to go around, but it works out.
Imperial Birthright	IrishBandit	A Sorcerer with the bluest of blood that commands things.	Mostly balanced. The 18th level feature is a little much relative to other Sorcerer 18th level features.	✔	I still allow it for specail cases, but have mostly retired it to just use Noble Warlord as that's usually a better for what my players are looking for, but they are different concepts.
Nymph Bloodline	Mage Hand Press	An alluring Sorcerer that specializes in charming.	Not even vaguely balanced. Not suitable for most games.	X	Almost every feature is ill advised, but bypassing immunity to charm and bypassing legendary resistance and removing the drawbacks of charm magic is a combination that is guarenteed to a derail any game. Do not recommend.
Pheonix Spark(Revised) ^{^{ElementalOrigins}}	KibblesTasty	A revision of the pheonix Sorcerer, a Sorcerer all about bursting into flames.	Mostly balanced, and pretty good at feeling like the theme.	✔	When I playtested it the cap on restored hit points wasn't there and it was a bit much, but I see it's been updated. I used the UA version up until switching to this reversion recently, as pheonix sorcerers are popular in my groups (all of those UA elemental sorcerers are)
Seasonal	TheArenaGuy	If 5e Eladrin was a Sorcerer subclass.	Balanced, if perhaps somewhat undertuned overall.	X	It's first level feature is to give you spells, which is cool, but I already give that to all Sorcerers, so it doesn't offer them enough. Conflict of Homebrew. Summer and Spring are also almost always better than Autumn or Winter.
Sea Soul (Revised) ^{^{ElementalOrigins}}	KibblesTasty	A revision of the Sea Sorcerer from UA.	Balanced, though a I felt it was a bit finicky at times.	✔	I have always struggled with the theme of this one as I feel its a little too close to Storm (both in the UA and this revision) but people want to play it, so I allow it. It's fine... this is a little more polished and balanced than the UA version was, but I allowed that one previously.
Stoneheart (Revised) ^{^{ElementalOrigins}}	KibblesTasty	Kibbles' version of Stone Sorcerer, a more gish like Sorcerer.	Balanced. It does not make the Sorcerer suddenly a tank, but gives them an interesting playstyle	✔	I like this one a good bit more than the UA version, it's power set is a little more grounded and coherent, while still making the Sorcerer a more viable gish-like thing. Has been quite popular. I did eventually drop the UA Stone Sorcerer awhile ago, so this was a good replacement.

Warlock

Subclass	Creator	Description	Playtest Feedback	I Allow	Notes
The Acursed Archive ^{^COFSA}	GenuineBelieverer	The world's evilest librarians.	I had a big issue their ability to essentially planeshift 10 people into the library as an action.	X	I don't know if I would call it broken, but your mileage will vary. Read tainted knowledge carefully and decide how comfortable you are with that feature being abused. It's in some ways a better time stop at level 1. You and whole whole party can precast any non concentration spells you want (fire shield, mirror image, sanctuary, there's actually quite a few and trust me munchkins will find them)... and there is little hundreds more little things (non-healing potions, etc).
The Ashen Wolf ^{^COFSA}	GenuineBelieverer	Warlock who made a pact with fire doggo.	It's not really stronger than hexblade most of the time. Feels pretty geared toward Pact of the Blade though, and very invocation hungry.	✔	The 14th level feature isn't really balanced, but is also one of the few class features I've seen kill its player (and this happened in fact twice) due to the exhaustion backlash. I generally don't like features that give players more power in exchange for killing themselves. Depending on how you rule exhaustion and death, there are additional problems (if death removes all exhaustion, that can be exploited, if it doesn't, this subclass can permanently kill you).
The Archlich ^{^DarkArts}	Jonoman3000	A Warlock that made a deal with an Archlich.	Somewhat subpar. The 1st level feature requires concentration, which will generally always be a deal breaker for a Warlock as they are so dependent on concentration.	X	The 6th level feature depends on the 1st level feature, which requires concentration, meaning if you use any Warlock spell like Hex or Darkness, you essentially have no subclass features until 10.
The Archmage	Mage Hand Press	An apprentice that's taken a massive short cut to the whole being a Wizard thing.	Balanced, perhaps somewhat undertuned.	✔	Arcane Storage is better at some levels than others, but Ubreakable Spell and Spell Resistance are quite good.
The Blackthorn Grove ^{^COFSA}	GenuineBelieverer	A warlock with an evil plant for a heart.	Balanced? It's fine... the 1st level feature is niche, and the 6th level feature is strangely only really applicable to Pact of the Blade.	✔	The 6th level feature only really making sense for Pact of the Blade is sort of a problem, as generally speaking other Warlocks don't really want to hold a ranged weapon all the time (the only option that'd make sense for them to use that feature with).
The Blind Justicar ^{^COFSA}	GenuineBelieverer	A Warlock that made a deal with a Warrior Saint to become a Paladin.	I don't know what the math on the 1st level feature was supposed to be, but in my experience it doesn't really work out.	X	The first level feature lets you replace 2d20 with 3d12 drop the lowest, but best I can tell this makes you virtually always hit (or save, but you rarely have advantage on saves, while you usually have advantage on attacks). I'm not a deep math guy, so perhaps it was just absurd luck on the playtest, but 3d12 drop 1 does not seem like a reasonable way to roll attacks in my testing against fairly standard ACs (14-18).
The Currency Conspiracy ^{^COFSA}	GenuineBelieverer	A typical merchant.	Balanced, but more focused on social pillar and exploitation than combat.	✔	It's not necessarily suitable for all games, and depending on your intrepretation of the lore may be exclusively evil due to it's habit turning parts of people's souls into cash-money and all of its class features depending on doing so.
The Divine Beast	TheArenaGuy	Pact of the Beast Master	More or less balanced. Due to the ability to resummon it with a pact slot, it tended to be an unlimited pool of hit points; there is a limiter based on time, but I never saw that really matter. You can fix this just by not attacking it, but your mileage will vary based on how run monster intelligence.	X	It is to Pact of the Chain what Hexblade is Pact of the Blade in a way that it's a subclass clearly designed for one Pact to fix that play style, and is just a little weird for other Pacts.
The Dreamer	Mage Hand Press	A Warlock for manipulating sleep and dreams.	Has issues. Doubling the power of sleep at level 1 is truly broken. Sleep is a spell that has to fall off due to how powerful it can be.	X	Their School of Sonomancy Wizard does the same thing, and isn't on the list as I passed on it after trying this one. Doubling sleep's hit points at level 1-3 is ridiculous and will auto end most low level fights.
The Gelantinous Convocation ^{^COFSA}	GenuineBelieverer	Befriend cheerful slimes.	Balanced, though somewhat geared less toward combat.	✔	Their first level feature can make a murder mystery really boring, so read it before it allow it and decide if it'll work for the sort of game you run (allows you to eat a corpse and know what it knew once a day)
The Knowledge Keeper	KibblesTasty	A Warlock the knows everything there is to know.	Your mileage may vary. Trades combat effectiveness for extreme utility.	✔	This one is very open ended, and I'm not sure I'd recommend it to anyone beside a veteran player. It's extremely flexible, but kept largely in check by Warlocks very limited slots.
The Lady of the Lake	Xenoezen	A Warlock that got their power from some aquatic ceremony with a watery tart.	Mostly Balanced. It's generally balanced on its own.	✔	It is generally more balanced than Hexblade when it comes to Paladin multiclassing with it, though with less thematic dissonance. But if you don't allow Hexblade, don't allow this.
The Nebula ^{^ATLAS}	aeyana	A very sparkly Warlock.	Shimmering Cloud has an strange interaction with Armor of Agathys that is somewhere between nonfunctional and problematic.	X	You may read Armor of Agathys differnetly than I do and not count attacks that hit the Shimmer Cloud as proc'ing its damage, in which case you might be fine, but this is a lot if you don't (imagine a 3rd level AoA; each hit deals 15 to the attacker, but they have to deal 30 damage to break the shield, taking 15 damage each time they hit you); note them hitting the cloud procing AoA is probably not RAW though how I've always run abilities like that, so your mileage may vary.
The Saint	Yorviing	A Warlock blessed by a saint-like figure.	Balanced. It's fine, though depends on how you do short rests you may be wary of Prayer of Healing on the Warlock list.	✔	The PDF is not the easiest thing to read, though that might just be an issue on my side due its non-standard formatting.
The Tempest	KibblesTasty	A Warlock that builds a storm around them.	Balanced, though deals substantial mini-area of effect damage, making it highly effective sometimes.	✔	I like how the storm building mechanic extends the Warlocks effective power by making something out of it's limited uses of Pact Magic and giving it a bit more utility.
The Wild Hunt ^{^COFSA}	GenuineBelieverer	The Warlock who made a pact with the bad guys from the Witcher	Not balanced. Like many COFSA Warlocks it really depends on how you build it, but it gives a combination of things that can be really annoying to deal with, though seems pretty focused on Pact of the Blade.	X	Slayer's Armory is a little crazy as it makes Hunter's Mark add 2d6 damage, which when combined with a high hit-high attack build (like CBE) deals fairly ridiculous damage, and with Find Steed you can manipulate the hell out of range making them very difficult to deal with. Slayer's Armory technically does not scale with magic weapons, but that's not a great solution.

Wizard

Subclass	Creator	Description	Playtest Feedback	I Allow	Notes
Generalist ^{^YAG}	Yorviing	A Wizard that majored in GEs at Wizard school.	More balanced than most generalist Wizards. It's no loremaster.	✔	I find Regenerative reservoir a bit much over the course of a day given how useful 1st level spell slots are, and how very powerful this is as you get later in the game, but this is largely a side effect of long adventuring days, so your mileage may vary.
School of Arithmetick	Mage Hand Press	A Wizard that's based on being good at math...	...but requires a DM bad at math to allow it. No comment and lesson learned. Not particulary balanced.	X	This whole subclass is pretty nonstandard. Accrual alone would disqualify from consideration for most people. As to what is broken, it's mostly using stats with Factorize, as a whole group of monsters will have the same value for a stat, and savvy player will know what that stat is often allowing somewhat absurd things.
School of Astronomy ^{^ATLAS}	aeyana	A Wizard that's power comes from the alignment of the stars.	Balanced, while the stars give you some flexibility (and some early damage) it's not generally too much.	✔	I read Spell Stars as that you still have to be able to see the target and you cannot see through the spell stars, so you still need line of sight. If you make different assumptions, balance might be different.
School of Blue Magic ^{^YAG}	Yorviing	A Wizard based around stealing and copying their enemies spells.	It's more or less balance, but completely dependent on your party and what you fight.	X	I don't have any real objection to it, but players generally didn't think it was what they thought of as a Blue Mage, but I don't really know enough the source material of the idea to comment there.
School of Hemomancy ^{^DarkArts}	Jonoman3000	A Wizard that specializes in the blood magic provided by the supplement.	More or less balanced itself, but depends on the Hemomancy spell list, so your mileage may vary there.	X	I used it while I used those spells, but as I no longer use those spells, this wouldn't really work out as it's completely tied to those spells.
School of Innovation	KibblesTasty	A Wizard that lets you make your own spells.	It's a good effort at balancing a ridiculous idea.	X	It's a good bit of fun, and I think could be used, but as with anything this open ended, some user caution is recommended. I do use it as a template for player created spells though.
School of Pathology	KibblesTasty	A current events Wizard. Somewhere between a plague doctor and a plague maker	Mostly balanced. It will somewhat depend on the power and frequently of diseases in your game for their 14th level feature, but wasn't an issue for me.	✔	I am not personally a big fan of the spell contagion, I like the spell in principle, but it's in an awkward spot of being effectively "save three times or die". That's a gripe with the spell though, not this subclass.

Honorable Mentions

Oath of Free Commerce by the_singular_anyone (Walrock). I find it too much of a meme/meta joke, but your mileage may vary. Mechanically, it is mostly fine, though Invisibile Hand of the Market's unlimited nature can be a little much.
Oath of the Goodest Boi Paladin by KibblesTasty. I said at the start I don't allow memes, and this is definitely a meme, but I have been talked into allowing it no less than four times by people that sincerely wanted to play it, so I have playtested it. It is balanced, if ridiculous.

Compendiums & Sources

I've added a brief tag for how much content from compendiums I use for clarity. Limited generally means I don't use the spells or additional options, and may exclude up to half the character options. Most means I tend to use most of it. Some means I use less than limited, and it's usually case by case basis.

COFSA = Compendium of Forgotten Secrets, which has a free version that can be found here. I use limited content from this.
Dark Arts Compendium is a free compendium that can be found here. I use limited content from this.
ATLAS = All The Lights In The Sky Are Stars can be found here. I use limited content from this.
YAG = Yorviing's Arcane Grimoire, a free compendium of Wizard stuff that can be found here. I use limited content from this.
POP = Plethora of Paladins, a free compendium of, you guessed it, Paladins. Can be found here. I use limited content from this.
Elemental Origins is just the revised Elemental Sorcerers, don't know where else they are linked or I'd just link them individually, can be found here. I use all content from this.
KibblesTasty's subclasses are compiled on his site found here. I use most content from this.
Mage Hand Press has a large pool of free stuff on their website found here. It should be noted there are literally dozens of subclasses on that site I have never playtested. It has a lot of options, though tends to suffer a little of quantity over quality, but you're a lot better starting there to look for something if you cannot find it in the list above than DanDwiki. I use some from this.
Almost everything else is from Reddit, /UnearthedArcana and the creators there. I use some content from this...

Please don't construe anything I say as saying that anything isn't worth anyone's time. Not all stuff works for me, but if it is on this list, I at least read it and thought it had some merit, and it probably would work fine for someone's game, even if it may have some balance issues. My balance issues might now by your (or the creator's) balance issues, you might just not care about balance issues. This is just my list that I am sharing because it might help people sort through the sea of stuff out there, and particularly if they find my balance criteria similar to theirs be extremely helpful.
*Ranger Footnote: I currently use the UA Class Variants Ranger with some exceptions. I use the Beastmaster from above, and I require the replacement options are taken in order (i.e. Tireless cannot be taken at level 1 for obvious reasons).
*Sorcerer Footnote: As discussed in my Classes post, I partially use the Sorcerer, Tweaked, but as I don't actually use most of those subclasses, I might be better to say I use the Sorcerer with Expanded Spell Lists, an extra metamagic, and no need for an arcane focus.

Next Steps

What would you like to see next in Homebrew I've Played? Races? Feats? Mechanics? Leave your suggestion and vote below if you'd like to see another part to the series with what you'd like to see, and if you'd like to be notified when the next part goes up.
I also have some updates on my classes post, so I may like do a list up every six months or year or so if people are interesting in that. I have gotten a lot of new subclasses since I started posting these as well, so there will be quite a bit of new stuff playtested in the future.

some thoughts on what a "meme" is

I **should** be doing something productive. I'm doing this instead
I'm not really making any special attempts to cite sources or make this particular post a "finished" product
If you wanna consider this a guide, okay. I'm not really an expert, I don't have a lot of karma. Tbch, I'm pushing 60K and I'm wondering if I should make a new account, this one just shows my age. I'm just a guy that sometimes has fun on reddit. I *do* pay attention to what I see happening around me (such as the sudden flood of awards on reddit just before the superbowl... they dried up quickly, but I still have a few coins from the stash what I bought the other day...)
"Meme" was a term first used by this Richard Dawkins guy in his 1976 book "The Selfish Gene". Mr. Dawkins is an evolutionary biologist who writes some fascinating stuff that isnt pertinent here.
Derived from the Greek *"mimeme"* or *"to imitate"*, a meme in Mr. Dawkins' sense is an element of human culture that is self-propagating. Music inspires music, philosophy begets philosophy, science advances science. In this way we can leave behind not only a physical (genetic) legacy, but also a cultural one. Socrates, the example goes, may not have any genetic descendants today, but his cultural legacy surpasses those who had many children.
Wow... this is too much to cover. We just mean funny pictures, yeah?
I can only know my own life, so I start there. There are ancient examples of what might be considered "meme"... My understanding of memes I think are traced back to newspapers in the '90s, particularly the comics. Newspapers were our internet, and pogs were briefly a thing. These are similar in structure to modern memes, and shared in a similar way. In school I'd trade "Garfield" books with other kids; folk used to (and still do) cut out their favorite comics to post in their office, that sort of thing. Many modern memes templates are ripped straight from comics. For no better reason than I am the author I start there.
"What about gifs, ascii, copypasta, etc?" I hear you say. Go ahead and write your own post about these if you want, I'm ignoring them as inconvenient.
Okay... so *now*, how do we define "meme"? A web comic? Not exactly. . .some memes are ripped comics, but it's more than that. There's this other guy, named Scott McCloud; he wrote "Understanding Comics", another excellent book (which heavily influences my thinking in these matters.)
I shall go with **"A meme is a pop art medium, composed of a series of familiar juxtaposed elements, that through audience participation becomes self-propagating"**
*dafuq he just say?* Lemme break it down. We all know what art is, even when we don't know what we like. Any sort of human endeavor undertaken outside of the immediate need for survival can be done artistically. Art is a means of communication, a way to share ideas and emotions. So we have this **"pop art medium"**, or a vessel for sharing ideas that is popular. Other pop art mediums include youtube tutorials, finger painting, and blogging. Making your cup of tea can be artistic, I suppose, but it's not so popular
This medium is made up of **"juxtaposed elements"**... what is this? In other words, a meme is a thing made up of other things put onto or next to each other to make some sort of effect. I can break these elements down further into "physical" and "meta". These are usually established troupes, but from time to time new material has to be introduced into the meme ecosystem. (please don't try to flood this all in together in one meme. Too busy!)
*"Physical elements"* include the *background* (even the lack of a background carries with it its own character, a "personality". Check out the background of reddit or google vs that of a government agency or academic institution sometime ... you can see that some are "friendly" some are "businesslike"... the background is an element often overlooked, but it can make or break a meme idea.
Upon this canvas we add *characters* and *props* (or follow an established template with these already in place), *text* (a little more next paragraph), and *filters* (this can be discrete to help set a mood, or of the "deep fried" variety if you are less creative than annoying.)
What you say is important, but also how you say it. A *complete* post has not only the meme file you upload well thought out, but also the **title** and even the **comments**. It's been pointed out before that titles are often overlooked, or "read after the meme". That can be used to your advantage, and a good title can bring the best out of your meme... likewise "an interesting title" can blemish an otherwise good meme.
Comments (and this is a peek ahead into the meta) should likewise be considered. I try to allow for a natural flow of conversation in my posts, acting as a facilitator, but trying to stay hands off. If you are able to encourage conversation in your post it gets more exposure, people get another screen opportunity to click that upvote button, and the users become more invested in the meme. Remember: *our* meme. I don't want the meme with my killer comment to die in new. (a well-timed award given to a user who comments in your post can be utilized by the pragmatic, wealthy redditor [check out my karma distribution compared to other users] to encourage further conversation, exposure, etc. Try to think about how you can prompt users to engage in conversation
**Meta** elements include comments, especially if directly provoked by the meme itself ("F" chain, "nice" replied to 420/69 memes may seem like pandering [which they are] and annoying [they are], but they do recognize the necessity of including the audience into your meme. Not everybody is going to be an active participant, and those who do participate do so in different ways at different levels. Not everybody is a template artist, some people just wanna write new text for memes, or just comment in them. Other examples of meta elements include *inside jokes* and even *timing* (I'll write a different piece on meta-elements in memes some other day maybe)
Other than comments and karma distribution, *audience participation* should take into consideration that a meme is meant to be shared and reproduced. This is why I am dead set against watermarks in my work; I want people to feel encouraged to build upon my ideas. Some thought should be given to accessibility... I go overboard, I often like to quote sources. Finally, consider that a one-off joke also isn't going to catch on, so some thought should also go into if the template can be reused if *self-propagation* (ie, if the meme will "catch on") is the objective.
I might expand on these thought another time. I'll probably want to write something about my ideas on getting the meme to the right audience.

jokes on you i'm into that meme template video

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jokes on you i'm into that meme template

jokes on you i'm into that meme template - win

Sweet memes are made of shit.

First Contact - Third Wave - Chapter 401

First Contact - Third Wave - Chapter 399

HolUp. Here's the list of the winners of the Best (and worst) of r/HolUp 2020

Time to see who are the best and worst of us

King Shitposter

Upvoted Repost (God this Sub Sucks Award)

Techsupport420 Platinum Chungus award

Tweet Theft of the Year

Salty User Award

The Platinum Bucky

Give this discord user some free coins

Diamond Virginity award

The Golden Racism Award

DankExchange

And